Justify

Here's the thing: I like to justify. I like to justify my work, so that it's neat and rounded off and I like to justify myself for the same reasons. The problem is that justifying myself usually makes the whole situation a lot messier. I hate mess, I hate conflict, but above all, I hate not being taken at my word. There have been a few incidences this year, which have frustrated me, not  because I thought the people involved were doing something wrong, nor because I was unable to influence the situation. I was frustrated  because I had been misinterpreted and misunderstood. I realised that I was the cause of this: I had changed and they hadn't acknowledged it.

No one tells you that when you move away from home, that those you left behind will retain an impression of you and that this impression of you will start to seal shut the longer you stay away. They will remember all the things you wish they'd forget: the podgy tween navigating adolescence, the foolish way you pursued relationships, that nasty thing you said in a moment of weakness, the messy bedroom, the disorganised, last-minute plans, your tardiness, your lack of wisdom, your lack of control in your extroverted self, the opinions you no longer hold, the list goes on. Sure, they'll acknowledge the physical changes, because they can see those. It's the character alterations that are hard to notice and accept.

The question I've been asking myself lately is: does it really matter? Does it really matter if someone doesn't acknowledge the change? Why should you care if they continue to see you and treat you as you were not as you are? I think the answer is: sometimes. Sometimes it's ok to let go of people's reactions to you. You can't force them to see the difference; only I can truly know the extent of my alteration because I live with myself everyday. Those who know me well and invest in me on almost a daily basis, recognise and accept the differences too. I can't expect people who haven't seen in six months to treat me differently. However, sometimes a justification is necessary. Not a full blown self-defensive rant, but a calm and collected reason for your words and your actions. These justifications belong to those closest to you, to the people who really care about your welfare. I've realised justifying myself to people who don't value who I am as a person, is often a fruitless task and I refuse to do it any longer.

My Favourite Blogs part 1

I've been meaning to do one of these posts for ages, but I always keep getting side-tracked. I read a lot of great, inspiring blogs with various different themes, tastes and contents. I like the variety, because it keeps my writing fresh and it reminds me that personal blogging is all about creating your own voice and shaping out a little space of the internet all of your own. It's fair to say that most of the blogs in this post are pretty girly, but don't let that put you off. They talk about fashion, books, baking, DIY, photography, adventures and their daily lives with vibrancy and candour - sometimes I feel like we're sitting down together in a cosy cafe sharing our thoughts. That's one of things I really love about blogging. It creates such a fabulous community! So, without further ado, some girly, fun-filled, lifestyle blogs for you.

Selective Potential

This was one of the first blogs I started reading way back in 2009. It's written by the indefatigable Tieka who lives in Michigan, rides around on a mint-coloured scooter and posts very simple and achievable outfit ideas. Her Autumn and Spring posts are particularly gorgeous. She loves her clothes to blend in with her surroundings and always attaches little stories to her outfit posts. Her giveaways are also really fun and I won a modcloth voucher in December just by commenting on a post. I also really admire her honesty. She has found a perfect balance between being a closed book and not bearing all. I think that's why her blog is so successful, because it's absolutely one hundred percent personal to her. That's what makes things sustainable.

C'est La Belle Vie
I stumbled across Charity's little space via Bloglovin about a year and a half ago. She's whimsy, thoughtful, fun, posts great recipes, runs a vintage etsy-shop (from which I just purchased a beautiful jumpsuit),writes wonderful articles, takes gorgeous photographs and does all this whilst pursuing an internship. She's pretty impressive! What I love about Charity's blog is how accessible it is. Every post is relatable and honest, whilst still being simple and beautifully presented. I particularly love how she picks up on the sweet little moments in our lives that can sometimes bring us the greatest joy. Grab a cup of coffee and go check her out.

The Deer Circus
This blog is one of my go-tos every single day. Bridget manages to capture so many ordinary things and make them seem extraordinary. Her photographs, words, 30 second poems, Lovegrams to her husband, silly stories, serious tales and crazy vintage finds are both uplifting and thought provoking. She posts VERY regularly- sometimes twice a day- which means there is always something new to read and think about. The photography is particularly beautiful (it should come as no surprise that she is a photographer by trade!) and I love her little wanders around Denver. Her blog has been inspiring me a lot lately whether that's to write a bunch of 30 second poems, take a walk, or pick up my film camera. Whatever it is, I have felt enriched as a result. So definitely head over there!

I'll be back with more favourite blogs next week!

Today...

Do you ever have those days where you can't seem to find your drive or productivity?

No matter how hard you try, you just can't find the energy to concentrate?

So you give up, make hot chocolate and watch Lena Dunham's 'Tiny Furniture' (it was really good)

Yeah, that was yesterday.

But now it's today and even though I was tempted to let the sluggishness of yesterday infiltrate into my morning, I threw myself onto my desk chair and have been sat here since 8am slowly waking up and telling myself that if I get enough work done, I can return to Bonanza Coffee and have a flat white and read my book. 

I'm choosing to be inspired by life today. I'm choosing to create. I'm choosing to achieve something by this evening. 

What's your Saturday choice?

10 Tips to beat the Mean Reds

When Holly Golightly gets the Mean Reds, she heads for Tiffany's with a cup of coffee and a croissant. 

I've made no secret of the fact that the last couple of months haven't been easy for me. I'll  go one step further and admit that I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I have always been inclined to worry, over analyse and stress, but this was the first time it had been anywhere near as bad or serious. At first I was confused and ashamed of my condition. I've always prided myself on being a capable person, who could push through any sort of challenge no matter how difficult. I did that terrible thing of keeping it to myself and suffering alone in what was an already lonely and isolated place. What surprised  and comforted me when I did finally confess, was that so many other people were ready to admit that they too had suffered from anxiety in some shape or form. So, this is why I'm speaking out, so that people know that they're not alone in this.

Anxiety can be triggered by so many things and isn't necessarily a long-term problem. The most obvious situations that come to mind are exams, living abroad, relationships and trying to plan for the future. I find that when I've had a full on week, with hardly anytime to myself, my body starts to react. Seeing as it's the exam season and my social networking fees are full of stressed-out friends trying to revise, I thought I'd compile a list of things that have helped me recently whenever I have felt anxious or stressed. 

1) Pray/Meditate: my first port of call is always prayer, but if you don't believe in God, then perhaps just sitting still and quiet, whilst listening to soothing music or dwelling on good memories will put you in a more positive frame of mind.

2) Exercise: release those endorphines and get those sleepy muscles moving. I really love going swimming for all the reasons mentioned in this article, it really helps me sort through all the craziness going on in my head. If I don't want to think about anything then Insanity is a really great work out. 40 minutes of just good breathing, good exercise and no space to think about anything but DIGGING DEEPER.

3) Cook Something: find a cool recipe or just be spontaneous. Get up from your desk, go the shop or the market, treat yourself to really healthy, wholesome ingredients and a little bit of chocolate, then come home, put on some music and take time cooking it all. Then eat it with friends or by yourself watching your favourite tv-show.

4) Talk to Someone: if you're abroad then organise a skype, or check to see whether one of your closest friends is on Facebook chat. Alternatively you can pick up the phone and the ring that person on speed dial.Whether you need to ask for help, encouragement or just need a listening ear, talking to someone often helps me put my problems into perspective.

5) Meet Someone for Coffee: this is quite Year Abroad specific, but it doesn't have to be. Whenever things get a bit overwhelming, I dig out my phone and text that new person I met at that film showing/church meeting/friend's party and see whether they want to grab a coffee. Making a new friend, speaking that foreign language and discovering a new part of the city always puts me in a better mood. I feel like I've achieved something and I had fun at the same time.

6) Get on with the little jobs that are stressing you out: I'm the kinda girl who will live in a sty of clothes, books, paper and dishes, whilst I try to study, write an essay or complete admin. I know tidying your room is often labeled procrastination, but it REALLY helps to have a tidy space. There are other little jobs like sending off forms, booking flights, emailing that person, phoning that other person, buying toothpaste or finishing a piece of work. Get rid of those horrible lingering pressures by just sitting down and getting it done. YOU WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER.

7) Have a shower and belt out some tunes:  we all get a bit lazy with hygiene when we're feeling a bit low or are going through a stressful time. It's worth it, trust me. The singing is optional, but who doesn't love a good ole' sing in the shower?

8) Put on some music and dance: there are times when I'll be sat at my laptop freaking out about something and I've found that just getting up, donning my headphones and prancing about to musicals for 15 minutes is incredibly releasing. It's a shot of exercise, with a sprinkle of feel-good tunes. 

9) Do something you love: over the past month I have found my refuge in the theatre and in the cinema. Whenever I felt a bit down, lonely or homesick I just took myself off and escaped into the world of the stage or screen. I actually really enjoy going to the cinema on my own, it's so immersive and you don't have to talk about it unless you want to. That's not to say I wouldn't mind company, it's just is what it is and if I didn't go alone, then I wouldn't go at all! Invest in things you love doing, whether it's sport, live music, a beer with friends, reading for fun, dancing, painting. Make time for these things during the stressful periods of your life and it'll make you feel more human.

10) Write it down: write a letter to a friend or a note in a journal. I find this really helps me to organise my thoughts and find out exactly what it is that I'm afraid of or thinking too much about. It's also great to look back through your previous entries and see how much you've moved forward. 

Whatever you do, don't face it alone. Just know that so many people are going through something similar and that pretty much everybody will be willing to help. Just be brave, be honest and things will slowly start getting better. ALL THE BEST!

Sick Days

Hopefully by the time you read this I'll no longer be having a sick-day. 

I find that the first day of being sick requires full rest, lots of sleep, lots of fluids, perhaps a bit of TV, almost always a film and definitely CHILLI.

The second or third days are difficult because I'm not very good at being ill. I always feel guilty about being so unproductive. On these days I usually try to do some reading towards my degree or learn some vocab or at least watch films in a different language. It's the only way I can justify staying at home. 

MY SICK-DAY ESSENTIALS:

. kindle

. magazine

. something hot and spicy like chilli or soup

. orange juice

. hot water and lemon

. tea, tea, tea

. easy to watch film

. radio

. joggers

. baggy, charity-shop jumpers

. 5-10 minute walk outside

. KEEP SHOWERING

Life-Lately

Amidst the stress of moving, writing an essay and just generally doing life there have been some GREAT Germany times. I am so blessed to live this life of adventure.

1) Christmas is officially over when you see all the abandoned trees. It makes my heart sad.

2. Lots and lots of pretty, sparkly, freezing cold snow. Winter trees were made for bearing snow flakes.

3) I've been inspired by two lovely ladies (one of them is Charity whose blog you really all should check out and follow!) to make my own chai and have a cheeky read before bed time. It was so cosy.

4) After going swimming at this really beautiful thermal baths type of swimming pool (for €2.50 might I add!) I listened to a New Yorker podcast and drank MORE CHAI. I really love the New Yorker.

6/7) I am currently writing my Year Abroad essay (3,500 words in German). Alas I have no desk, so my bed is my work space and THAT is my view. It gets pretty depressing sometimes, particularly when the sun isn't shining. 

8) I've been meaning to go to the Flea Market at Aachener Platz since I got here and on Saturday morning I finally made it. It was awesome.

9) Franziska bought a film camera. I take full responsibility for her current happy-snappy state. She tried to take a picture of my kitchen chairs the other day and NOT in an arty way.

10) The super-chic super-lovely Kerry graced the Düsseldorf streets with her sunshiney hair and posh frock coat. We had such a lovely time together.

11) We did a lot of SNOW walking and SNOW picture taking. You know the ones I mean.

12) We also got ourselves to the opera for €9. It was a very odd production of Don Giovanni. I came to the conclusion that I'm just not a Mozart fan. BRING ME PUCCINI. 

13) Kerry found this AH-Mazing hot chocolate shop. This is our ROSE PETAL hot chocolate that came with REAL rose petals and ROSE chocolate truffles. NOM NOM.

14) After my previous post I made sure to get myself to Woyton and the coffee didn't disappoint. I had lots of smiley,wavey JAJAJA conversations with ma barista pals too. It definitely brightened my mood.

15) My super-dooper Kate friend made me feel like a million dollars by giving me a quick hair-cut. It's amazing how lovely one feels when one's fringe is back in place and the split-ends have been removed. 

Life Lately Nov. 2012

 I still work here.

Särah stopped working here so we drank wine and said goodbye.

 Autumn came to the Kö

 Laura and Sophie visited

Franziska and I have been on lots of movie, theatre and dinner dates.

 I'm still in this crazy show.

\

I spent my bank holiday in a very wet and windy Köln, visiting the infamous cathedral and drinking coffee.

Autumn Days

 1. New boots, snuggly socks and a crackly leaf.

2.  Rewarding my daily walk with a chance to sip a coffee and read some of my German reading book. 

3.  I get free tickets to every single show at the Schauspielhaus. I've seen Der Prozess twice now and I love it.

4.  My exploding squash. It was so yummy, recipe to come.

5.  I love swooshing in leaves on the crunchy grass.

6. Apple and Vanilla tea makes me feel better about missing out on the Pumpkin Spiced Lattes back home. Healthier, cheaper and sooooooo warming.

7. The most beautiful leaves on my daily walk. 

Life Lately

Summer has felt like such an ethereal season this year. Nevertheless the past

few weeks have held intermittent seasonal goodness.

1. A weekend in Cornwall. These were taking in one of the sparse moments 

of sunshine.

2. My Dad ran with the Olympic Torch! I was so proud of him, he really deserved it.

3. Wine, ice-cream and DVD night with my wonderful Mummy.

4. Packing for Manchester to visit my gorgeous friend.

5. Exploring Manchester and celebrating the 2nd Anniversary

of my friend's death.

6. Sorting out the final arrangements for my VERY up and coming

year abroad in my Dad's office.

7. A gorgeous Mediterranean dish.

8. Rosie's wonderful Festival Forty: think homemade music festival in a back garden

and you have a gorgeous evening of fun.

Life Lately

1. My favourite outfit: oversized jumper, jeggings and moccasins.
2. On the evening of my last exam I raided the reduced section of the supermarkets and came-up with this meal: quinoa, red onions, salad, veggies and houmous. It was SO satisfying.
3. A cheeky lunch at The Canteen with my girl Fiona. I love the decor in that place.
4. My housemates like to have many composed, well thought out group photos before they hit the tiles. This is what happens when they don't know a photo is being taken.
5. I love these crazy big chairs outside The National Theatre on The Southbank in London. I try and visit them every summer.
6. Reunion coffee with my bestie.
7. A walk through London and a catch-up with my lovely Gem.
8. My friend Jessie sent me a very large letter in a very large envelope. It was very funny.
9. A celebratory cocktail. I believe it was something like a mojito. A lot of lime.
10. Cocktails with ma' housemates.
11. This is what happens when you live with English Literature students.
12. A quiet coffee and kindle moment in Starbucks between Singing Telegram appointments. I'm really, really loving my Kindle at the moment.
13. I treated myself to the latest edition of Oh Comely - it's so pretty and now I know to make my own condiments. LOVE.