Platonic Fires

These days I tend to be on the cusp of meeting someone extraordinary. I'm not talking about romance, that's a discourse that can take a back seat for the time being. I'm talking about friendship. At the beginning of 2014, sometime in the miserable depths of winter, I went to see a play by my friend Vanessa* called 'Love and Other Fictions'. I remember on line just hanging in the air, tangible and real enough for me to grab hold of and turn over in my head. 

'Platonic fires burn just as bright'

This line struck a chord with me that night and I've been learning to improvise around it ever since. Being unattached has enabled me to love my friends more freely than ever before. I have more capacity, more time and more need. This year friends have become family and a safe space amongst the chaos. We go on adventures, we talk long into the night, we recite our favourite poems whilst lying on the carpet, we provide each other with the necessary 5 hugs a day for survival, we suprise, spoil and support each other. At points when I've felt overwhelmed by how absolutely brilliant my friends are, I often wondered how I could possibly meet any more, how I could keep up with everyone the way I would like to. Then another season arrives and my life is flooded with another load of excellent individuals, whose hearts and minds make my soul explode. I've realised that love is not exclusive but inclusive and once my heart was opened to the possibility that everyone I meet might be significant, I started to see love in a whole new light.

A platonic love, the kind that pulls at my heartstrings and is often too extravagant to express. The aches of distance soothed in soft pockets of handwritten letters, from the cobbled streets of Salzburg to the musty grandeur of the New York City Library. The assured Facebook message reply that lets you know that even if someone doesn't want you at 3am, they still care and hold you in their hearts. The bleary eyed breakfasts, the post-party, post-dancing long walk home, rice cakes and peanut butter in the kitchen, spontaneous dinner parties, the hug that comes at just the right moment. My biggest mistake was trying to cure loneliness by falling in love. I cured loneliness by investing in the people that love me and make me better, the platonic fires that often burn brighter and longer than any whirlwind romance. 

*Check out Vanessa Kisuule. She writes some beautiful things. 

Summer Snapshots

There are many things that I love about disposable cameras, one being that they can sum up a period of time in a few snapshots. These photos pretty much round up the summer into four significant phases. Just looking back at them makes me laugh at how brilliant it was!

Home: after four years of adventure being stranded in your hometown can feel like a prison sentence. But this Summer I learned to love it again. I got a job at my favourite place in town, working with a wonderfully eclectic group of people. I recognised the importance of investing in friendships and communities, relishing in the love and support of a church that has known and loved me since I was a child. For the first time I could see all the advantages of growing up there, I could appreciate its quirks and, most importantly, love its people. 

Berlin: the buzz, the sunflowers, the friends, the art...I will always have a soft spot for the city. It was so amazing to spend a few days speaking German outside of an academic context. The language and the culture are no longer an intellectual pursuit but a little guilty pleasure, a not-so-secret parallel universe where I can cultivate a new identity for myself. However, it was the first time that I visited without that desperate urge to throw in the towel and move there immediately. On my last day I felt no longing, no sense of loss. I felt content belonging elsewhere.

Edinburgh: like Berlin, Edinburgh Fringe is one of those places where I always want to be. Four days of megabus, hiking, theatre-watching adventures were enough to satisfy the craving. It was one of those trips that mark how far you've come in pursuing your dreams. The first time I went to the fringe I was just a spectator, I knew nobody and I sat on the grassy mound with my friend Jake dreaming of being a performer at the festival. The year after I went up with an opera written by a friend at university and I dreamed of making a career out of what I love. This year, four years since my first trip, I went to the fringe with a place at drama school, with every intention and possibility of making that dream a reality. As well as stagey moments, the trip was full of curious conversations with ma girl Abi and her Godmother Monica, foraging for porcini mushrooms and wandering around a tartan clad castle. A restorative break if ever I had one. 

David's Tent: after months of doubting and grappling with faith and the ways of Christianity, David's Tent showed me how church could be done and it changed my life. If the church can bring hope, love, comfort and space to meet with God, then I love it. Serving on team taught me what it means to be part of a faith filled family, how to love deeply and effectively and put other's needs before my own. It taught me that restrictions are man made, that God is a creative mystery and that I was born to reflect the creativity, love and acceptance of my maker. It was also hilarious and silly, like a pack of crayons.

Berlin: The Apartment

At the start of August I hopped spontaneously onto a plane for quick mini-break to Berlin. One of the reasons was to visit my friends Babsi and Lotte, two of the 'cheese-fondue girls' who had both returned to the city for the Summer. The other reason was to see Babsi's new Kreuzberg apartment, which was everything a dreamy Berliner could wish for. It became the centrepiece of the trip. The morning coffees, the midday peace in the rocking chair by the window, the afternoon pause to read Die Zeit, the evening dinner parties with homemade Hugos, the nighttime scampering across the wooden floorboards and the bathroom that plays Kulturradio as soon as you flick the light switch, felt like a secret world hidden amongst the leaves of the courtyard. It's rare that you find such peace in the middle of the city. I like homes that feel like art without being fragile. I want to create a space like that for myself and for all those whose lives swirl around me. 

Celebrate the NOW

At my graduation last Thursday, the Vice-Chancellor highlighted the importance of celebrating rites of passage. It's so easy to discount our achievements, to compare them to others and deem them meaningless or stupid. Yet if we do not celebrate them, life becomes one toil after another because the chapters and seasons of our lives go unmarked, unrecognised. I recently read this passage in one 1 Corinthians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Now perhaps you don't believe in God, perhaps you do. If you don't imagine something so overwhelming beautiful, brilliant, exciting that whenever you think of it you can't help but do a little celebratory jiggle inside. That's how I feel about God. Now if I'm supposed to do everything, even the mundane things like eating/drinking, to the glory of the thing that makes me want to celebrate, then surely everyday must call for some kind of celebration. I've been mulling this over for the past week and looking for opportunities to celebrate the moments, the people, the day to day activities of my life. On Saturday I decided to celebrate my friendship with Sophie. We've come a long way since we first met and have barraged through life's ups and downs with brutal honesty and a lot of silliness. She is fun and kind, full of dreams and copious amounts of information on completely useless subjects. That's what makes her awesome. So on Saturday we celebrated with Pimms and picnics in the sunshine, followed by a spot of Greek Tragedy at the National. IT WAS SO FUN and now I want to celebrate everything all the time. 

So my challenge: WHAT or WHO can you celebrate this week?

Life Lately: Northern Ireland

I can't quite believe that it's been a whole month since this lil' spontaneous trip. So five days before my last exam (EVER) I got on an early morning plane to Northern Ireland. It felt gloriously outrageous and turned out to be exactly what the doctor ordered. I've never been to the Emerald Isle before and it really is very green, let me tell ya. Four days spent in a little bungalow in Portstewart, drinking lots of tea, reading Patrick Melrose novels, eating well, sleeping in, jogging, barbecuing on the beach, praising the Lord, reading the bible, meeting new people, sunbathing and putting the world to right in nautical inspired armchairs. The highlights for me were Giants Causeway in the late-afternoon sun and spending time with friends who share the same beliefs/values/perspectives as myself.  It was pretty gurt-lush. Also, I'm a sucker for a Northern Irish accent. Anyone else? 

London Perspectives

“Go where we may, rest where we will,

Eternal London haunts us still.” 

― Thomas Moore

When I look at photographs of London on pinterest they all seem rather shiny and there never seems to be anyone out and about. I took these on a quick stop-over during the Easter holidays and I'm really pleased with how they turned out. They reflect what I see. My London is busy and hectic, grainy and dirty. I love that one quick turn into a side-street can shift the pace from chaotic-commuter to bumbling-bruncher. It has the reputation of being unfriendly, yet London contains some of my favourite strangers; from the Cafe Nero barista at Waterloo station, to moleskine man in Foyles on the Southbank, to the ticket lady at Charing Cross, to the eccentric playwright in the Royal Court Bookshop and the barista on Beakstr. whose first-day-on-the-job enthusiasm made the sun shine brighter and the coffee taste sweeter. The city has always been a constant in my life and though I have never called it my home, I have lived many a significant moment within it's geography. Not all these moments have been positive; some of the darkest seasons in my life have been very much synchronised with the South West train service up to Waterloo. But it has also spurred most of my childhood dreams from prima ballerina, to painter, to writer and now actress; all of which have been explored among the plethora of London theatres, galleries and bookshops. More recently the city has become a place to catch-up with special friends, the ones that help you put the world right, whose sofa-bed soaks up the tears of lonely lostness and dinner time conversation reminds you that a belly-laugh is one of your five a day. Whatever the next few months and years hold for me, I know that London will be a part of it. I may never call it home, but it will always be a city of unrelenting significance. 

The Blind-Friend-Date

Everyone assumed that Luce and I knew each other. I'd talk about Berlin or Germany or German Theatre and everyone would ask me whether I knew her and everytime I'd say 'No, but I'd like to'. Then one afternoon before jetting off to die Hauptstadt I got asked once again whether I was going to visit Luce and something snapped. I wrote to Luce and suggested meeting up for coffee. Turns out she'd been experiencing the same thing as me and before I knew it we had a date in Kreuzberg. Three hours spent sipping cappuccinos in Luzia, splurging about German theatre, Bristol and love and new friendship was formed. I count her as one of the most exciting and genuine ladies I have ever met.  Sometimes it pays to be very uncool and make the first move. Is there anyone you know you'd get on well with if you just made the effort to meet up with them? I can't recommend meeting up with them enough! 

Weekend Escapades

As soon as the temperature rises and the ever allusive sunshine returns to Bristol you know it's time to ditch the books and plan an escapade, if only to avoid any growing resentment towards libraries and work. My blogging galpal Charity always talks about having a staycation (essentially staying at home and holidaying in your surroundings) and I am determined to embrace this idea for the upcoming months. After all, I might not be living here much longer and there is so much of this wonderful city that I have yet to explore! So, a few Saturdays ago, my pal Amy and I decided to catch up on a spontaneous walk to Ashton Court. I can't believe I have never been before! It is so beautiful. There is something about a country house that inspires a gooey patriotism and a tendency to walk around as if you were in a BBC costume drama. I mean, I cannot think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon in springtime!

We grabbed a take-out at Clifton Boston Tea Party, paused at the suspension bridge to admire the view, then swanned across the bridge towards the Ashton Court estate. Four hours of walking and talking in the sunshine is perhaps my best cabin-fever cure to date. 

Sunday Brunching

This time last week a group of old friends woke up slowly, lazily, perfectly embodying that 'morning after the night before' sentiment. Breakfast just happened: the comforting sizzle of meat in a pan, the fluffing of eggs, the popping of toast, tinkling teaspoons in morning mugs of tea and the clinking of glasses filled with OJ. I can't remember what we talked about exactly, probably weddings and school and jobs and what time we should attempt to hit the motorway. It wasn't the conversation that mattered, but the opportunity to be together. To remember what it felt like to hear each others voices, read each others expressions, grasp each others hands and feel each other's laughter mingle with our own, felt perfectly natural, yet unusual and sacred. A reunion of long-distance friends. 

Photographs courtesy of Hannah Trott Photography

Berliner Winter

I always think the end of February marks the end of Winter. This tends to be completely unfounded, seeing as it's totally possible for it to snow and be freezing cold and miserable in March. Nevertheless, old habits ring true. So, to celebrate what my brain considers to be the end of Winter, I thought I'd share some wintery photos from my trip to Berlin in January. It wasquite a spontaneous move, I woke up on boxing day to an email from Kayak seducing me with a £30 return flight and before I knew it I had booked myself a five-day rendezvous with the German capital.

The city was mostly dark and grey, peppered with patches of cafe-cosiness and framed by icy exteriors. There were trips to the theatre, after-show parties on the K-damm, Kaiserschmarrn and Chopin recitals in Charlottenburg apartments, Sunday-brunching-fleamarket flirtations, slow-crunching strolls along freshly dusted pavements,  the lonely coolness of Alexanderplatz in January and plenty of mug-holding, wine-drinking catch-ups with friends old and new. Despite the main purpose of the trip being 'research' for my dissertation, it quickly became clear that what I needed most of all was to feel brave again. I needed to remember that person who arrived in the city alone, sleeping on the couch of a stranger and left with a family of friends and a sense of belonging. It was good to get away and gain perspective, which is often so difficult to find in the hibernation months. I'm also still desperately attached to Berlin itself and keep dreaming of a (slightly warmer) repeat one weekend very soon. 

The Totality of Possibilities

It's Friday and I got that Friday feeling. So you know that person, that space, that film, song or publication that makes you feel all gooey and alive? Make time for that. Then pass it on. After all, it's the small things that make life jammy. These snail-mail goodies, for example, turned my frown upside down and made me realise that one bad day or even one bad week doesn't constitute one bad life. HAPPY FRIDAY FOLKS!

Yogi-Tea Wisdom

It's the first step towards health. Any tips on how this works practically would be much appreciated. For now my buzz words are tea, rest, people who love you, God.

Housemates

I've had some pretty great housemates in my time. 

But let me tell you that these guys are the bomb-diggity of 4th Housemates.

These was taken about a month ago at our first house meal, as you can tell

we were all a little bit excited and a bit tired of waiting for the timer on my film camera to work.

Since then the weekly routine of eating togetherhas entrenched a family solidarity into our student existence. 

We catch mice,go the gym, bake cake, watch movies, dance to Haim, host parties, watch silly

youtube videos and make sure everyone gets the necessary 4 hugs a day (the required amount for survival apparently!) Amidst the seriousness of final year, it's good to have a bunch of people and a little space where taking yourself too seriously is frowned upon.

COFFEE DIARY: Monmouth Coffee

On my last trip to London-Town my bestie recommended the Monmouth coffee chain to me. That afternoon I found myself coffee-starved and alone, so thought it would be the perfect opportunity to try it out. I went to the original store in Covent Garden on (wait for it) Monmouth Street and found it a very small, smart cosy little place, packed with equally smart looking people. Yet despite it's slick first impressions, the atmosphere was undoubtedly friendly and made all the more so by the communal seating arrangements. This can feel a little intimate. I was told by one of the Baristas that they are often the meet-cute cafe for many a blissful couple. Mobile phones are not permitted at the tables, but if the forced-socialness doesn't put you off, then it's weirdly relaxing. 

I ordered a flat-white, which came promptly and lived up to all my post-Berlin coffee expectations. The milk complimented the espresso perfectly, the foam was silky without being too cold and the coffee they used was warm and sweet. The coffee-curious among us will appreciate the leaflet explaining all their blends, which you can buy to take home. For those of you who are not coffee-fanatics, they also offer non-coffee options and a selection of cakes. 

If I'm honest it did feel a little bit crowded but I have heard that the other stores are slightly bigger, so it's worth checking those out. I certainly will be next time I'm in town. Anything for that perfect cup of coffee, eh?

Life-Lately

I thought moving back to Bristol would be the easiest thing in the world, that I would just slip back into the rigour and the fun. Alas, it has not been such a walk in the park. The city has changed and so have I. We've been trying to adjust, taking things slow, noticing moments rather than orchestrating them. These snaps are quite homey, but that's how my life has been spent lately.

1) The first thing I do in a new room is make the bed. It's an instant comforter. 

This one is a particular favourite of mine. 

2) I'm a massive fan of mood-lighting - it makes me feel at home.

That and tea obviously.

3) I'm in an amazing place at the moment, because I am finally able to pursue my dreams and am thoroughly enjoying all the reading required.

4) There's something so wholesome about a wispa bar. It reminds me of days gone by, sitting in the English department at school, writing essays on Jane Eyre and drinking cups of tea with friends.

5) Some things about Bristol never change. Hot-air balloons on a Sunday morning being one of them.

6) The chalk-board up in our kitchen. The house and my zany housemates have been two of the greatest comforts that final year could bring. I feel so incredibly blessed by them.