Things I've Learned/Realised

I found an old journal full of such lists. I got inspired. Here it goes.

1) Invest in the people you want to invest in, not the people you feel that you should.

2) Time with family is priceless. 

3) Working in customer service is good for your soul.

4) Prayer is effective, even if the outcome is not what you expected.

5) The twenties are really, really fun.

6) You have to respect and love your roots, even if you never return to them.

7) Platonic relationships are worth every bit of investment.

8) Worship heals.

9) Reading restores.

10) Mindfulness is a good philosophy.

11) It does NOT matter what people think, do or say. It is not a reflection of who you are.

12) I will never tire of walks along the South Bank.

13) You can never have too many friends if the connections are true. At the same time, don't expect to be able to keep up with all of them all the time.

14) I really like Shakespeare.

15) I really like cooking and feeding people. Eating together round a table - it's powerful.

16) Just because you've labelled something 'family' or 'love' or 'community' doesn't mean it actually is. These three things are fluid and organic; they appear in the most unlikely of places as long as you're always open to the possibility of them.

17) Black coffee really isn't that bad.

18) Reading poetry aloud is a great way to fall asleep peacefully (depending on the poem of course!)

19) I can watch Greta Gerwig films over and over again. Lola Versus in particular.

20) Being able to laugh and work with great people 6 days a week really is success to me.

21) London can be a friendly place.

22) There is no heartache that cannot be softened by musical theatre.

23) I need at least two new bookcases.

24) Just because something is free doesn't mean you should take it (note the squeezy cow stress ball, obscure German literature and broken cameras that litter my room)

25) Wearing all black is the cheapest way to look sophisticated and put together. Although it does make it difficult to get dressed in the dark.

26) Doing one creative thing a week, just for you, keeps you inspired.

27) You might change your mind about things. Sometimes cynicism turns into to enthusiasm. 

28) Everywhere is transient, the place you call 'home' is constantly changing. Don't have a hissy fit when things look different to how you expected, it won't help.

29) I cannot eat chocolate anymore. SAD FACE.

30) To quote the guru in Eat, Pray, Love: 'I'm smiling in my liver' 

Choices

I've been meaning to write a New Year's post because I'm a blogger and if I don't tell you about my 2014 with a stream of perfect photos and inspire you with my resolutions then I've failed. Alas, I don't really feel like being a blogger today and haven't really felt like being one for a while now. Being at home over the last two weeks has given me a chance to catch up on my blog-reading and get all excited about whimsy photographs and creative projects and all the bazillion ways I can drink and document my coffee experiences. I love it, I really do. I love reading people's stories, I love celebrating engagements and cooing at wedding photos, I love exploring the world through the lenses and words of other people. However, it makes me doubt myself. It makes me miss travelling and exploring and question why on earth I'm still living in Bristol when I could be living in Berlin or Florence or somewhere in the American wilderness. 

Unfortunately, it is not just blogs that make me feel like this. Coming home for Christmas has been like stepping out of a bubble and into the real world, where everyone's life has moved on without you. It dawns on me that a lot of close friends got married this year whereas I ended my 2.5 year relationship. Others got exciting jobs that pay well and moved to the cities to start that exciting young professional existence, whilst I moved back to my university town to start a postgrad course with limiting career prospects. Others went travelling or bought houses or started amazing projects that are going to have huge impacts on society. But I made a choice. In fact,  this year has been a series of choices that I made independently. I could have had these things but I chose something else. When I stop being critical and actually REALLY look back over the year I see myself choosing to fight for a life worth living; I chose to fight mental illness and finish my degree, I chose to invest in edifying friendships, I chose to travel when I could, I chose to make space to find God again, I chose to take the risk and pursue my dream and above all, I chose to be kind to myself. My life might be going at a slower pace to others, I might not have a proper income, I might never find someone to marry and I might never own a house and shop at Waitrose but I am absolutely not a lost cause. I don't feel stranded and I don't feel torn. There comes a point when people start to enter different life stages but it's not a competition and it's not a race. My life may be less bloggable and my instagram account may be full of people dressed in leotards but I feel alive. 

In his book The Artisan Soul, Erwin McManus writes: 'We will never create anything more powerful and significant than our lives.' If the only masterpiece I leave behind is the life that I lived then I want to take time to craft it well. I hope this year you won't compare your choices (big, small, easy, difficult, significant, insignificant) to anyone elses. Make them and be proud. Our choices reflect who we are, how we see the world and what we dream about. Please don't belittle them. 

Summer Snapshots

There are many things that I love about disposable cameras, one being that they can sum up a period of time in a few snapshots. These photos pretty much round up the summer into four significant phases. Just looking back at them makes me laugh at how brilliant it was!

Home: after four years of adventure being stranded in your hometown can feel like a prison sentence. But this Summer I learned to love it again. I got a job at my favourite place in town, working with a wonderfully eclectic group of people. I recognised the importance of investing in friendships and communities, relishing in the love and support of a church that has known and loved me since I was a child. For the first time I could see all the advantages of growing up there, I could appreciate its quirks and, most importantly, love its people. 

Berlin: the buzz, the sunflowers, the friends, the art...I will always have a soft spot for the city. It was so amazing to spend a few days speaking German outside of an academic context. The language and the culture are no longer an intellectual pursuit but a little guilty pleasure, a not-so-secret parallel universe where I can cultivate a new identity for myself. However, it was the first time that I visited without that desperate urge to throw in the towel and move there immediately. On my last day I felt no longing, no sense of loss. I felt content belonging elsewhere.

Edinburgh: like Berlin, Edinburgh Fringe is one of those places where I always want to be. Four days of megabus, hiking, theatre-watching adventures were enough to satisfy the craving. It was one of those trips that mark how far you've come in pursuing your dreams. The first time I went to the fringe I was just a spectator, I knew nobody and I sat on the grassy mound with my friend Jake dreaming of being a performer at the festival. The year after I went up with an opera written by a friend at university and I dreamed of making a career out of what I love. This year, four years since my first trip, I went to the fringe with a place at drama school, with every intention and possibility of making that dream a reality. As well as stagey moments, the trip was full of curious conversations with ma girl Abi and her Godmother Monica, foraging for porcini mushrooms and wandering around a tartan clad castle. A restorative break if ever I had one. 

David's Tent: after months of doubting and grappling with faith and the ways of Christianity, David's Tent showed me how church could be done and it changed my life. If the church can bring hope, love, comfort and space to meet with God, then I love it. Serving on team taught me what it means to be part of a faith filled family, how to love deeply and effectively and put other's needs before my own. It taught me that restrictions are man made, that God is a creative mystery and that I was born to reflect the creativity, love and acceptance of my maker. It was also hilarious and silly, like a pack of crayons.

Beat the mean reds

This time last year I was on the last few stops of my year abroad. For all it's fun and whimsy I returned exhausted and overwhelmed by adventure. I'm a ravenous inquisitor, I like to know and understand things on a deeper level. There is so much I want to see and experience and I am hypersensitive to things that are fun and beautiful. For this reason I pushed myself to do as much as possible and despite the consequent brokenness I wouldn't change my year abroad lifestyle for the world. It taught me so much about myself mainly that, despite being confident and fond of company, I'm actually more of an introvert. In order to function in the world, I need a pockets of time to myself. I need the space to reflect and digest and be quiet. I'm wary of labels and boxing people into categories, because the truth is no one is absolute; there is a gross misconception that introverts can be distinguished by how loud or shy they are. This is completely silly, because some of the shyest people I know hate spending time alone and would therefore be classed as extroverts. It's also not a question of deep vs. shallow. My Mum and youngest brother are pretty extroverted and they are profoundly insightful. 

During the six months following my year abroad I suffered hugely from anxiety and would often feel frightened and overwhelmed being in large groups of people. I often refered to these episodes as 'a bout of the MEAN REDS' (shout out to Holly Golightly). The anxiety was triggered by exhaustion. Once I realised that I was just tired and not frightened, managing my mood became much easier. This wasn't just sleep tired, this was soul, mind, emotion- tired. I needed those moments where I switched off from the world and retreated into the quiet place. I started setting my alarm earlier and spending 30 mins every morning just listening to the radio, reading my bible or something equally edifying, praying, watching, reflecting. Slowly but surely, getting out of bed became easier, I could make it to the end of the day and still have the energy to spend time with my friends. These days there  is a lot of literature about mindfulness and beating anxiety, introverts vs. extroverts. More and more people are struggling with this and it's hardly surprising in this crazy fast world we're living in. The best piece of advice I got was to listen to myself. I got asked the following: when you're feeling low, what are you inclined towards, what does your heart, your mind and your body cry out for? Mine always cries out for disconnection, whether that's through a quick nap, delving into another world by reading a novel or a moment of prayer and reflection. It doesn't eradicate the problem, rather it helps with the day-to-day management. What I want to know is how other people tackle the mean reds? What are your methods for disconnecting or connecting? Let me know in the comments below!!!

In the meantime, here's a good Lifehack article.

Celebrate the NOW

At my graduation last Thursday, the Vice-Chancellor highlighted the importance of celebrating rites of passage. It's so easy to discount our achievements, to compare them to others and deem them meaningless or stupid. Yet if we do not celebrate them, life becomes one toil after another because the chapters and seasons of our lives go unmarked, unrecognised. I recently read this passage in one 1 Corinthians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Now perhaps you don't believe in God, perhaps you do. If you don't imagine something so overwhelming beautiful, brilliant, exciting that whenever you think of it you can't help but do a little celebratory jiggle inside. That's how I feel about God. Now if I'm supposed to do everything, even the mundane things like eating/drinking, to the glory of the thing that makes me want to celebrate, then surely everyday must call for some kind of celebration. I've been mulling this over for the past week and looking for opportunities to celebrate the moments, the people, the day to day activities of my life. On Saturday I decided to celebrate my friendship with Sophie. We've come a long way since we first met and have barraged through life's ups and downs with brutal honesty and a lot of silliness. She is fun and kind, full of dreams and copious amounts of information on completely useless subjects. That's what makes her awesome. So on Saturday we celebrated with Pimms and picnics in the sunshine, followed by a spot of Greek Tragedy at the National. IT WAS SO FUN and now I want to celebrate everything all the time. 

So my challenge: WHAT or WHO can you celebrate this week?

Forgetting

Le Chagrin

I flee from the dark corners where the sadness lies

dormant but not annihilated. 

I try, try to keep your memory alive, try to keep you fresh in my mind,

but people here don't know you.

There are no new stories to share,

only the same repeated episodes. 

I question their significance, I doubt their accuracy.

But I long to remember.

I pine for the rawness of those early days,

to feel the tragedy alive and familiar.

Everyday I lose you all over again through the absence of triggers, the passing of time.

Deliverance comes when your laugh 

pierces through the flatness of my heart and rings

crisp but echoed in my ears.

I hear your joy, your present joy,

the delight you found in life with us and now with I am.

I can cry for you again not out of pain but out of the purest, deepest joy and expectation.

Life Lately: Northern Ireland

I can't quite believe that it's been a whole month since this lil' spontaneous trip. So five days before my last exam (EVER) I got on an early morning plane to Northern Ireland. It felt gloriously outrageous and turned out to be exactly what the doctor ordered. I've never been to the Emerald Isle before and it really is very green, let me tell ya. Four days spent in a little bungalow in Portstewart, drinking lots of tea, reading Patrick Melrose novels, eating well, sleeping in, jogging, barbecuing on the beach, praising the Lord, reading the bible, meeting new people, sunbathing and putting the world to right in nautical inspired armchairs. The highlights for me were Giants Causeway in the late-afternoon sun and spending time with friends who share the same beliefs/values/perspectives as myself.  It was pretty gurt-lush. Also, I'm a sucker for a Northern Irish accent. Anyone else? 

Thankful for...

1) Catching the sunrise on a Monday morning

2) The Multi-faith chaplaincy with all its fruit, toast and delicious coffee

3) Re-connecting with a friend I thought I'd lost

4) Saturday evening garden dinner parties with wine and pals

5) Stokes Croft on a Saturday afternoon

6) This beautiful piece of music

7) This man's voice

8) This man's lyrics

9) The friendly man in the admissions office

10) Housemates that make me belly-laugh and provide countless cups of tea

11) 1 Thessalonians 3:8

12) 6:30am runs on the Downs

13) Dungarees

14) The end of University in 2 weeks time!

15) A future that is hopeful and exciting.

Sunday Brunching

This time last week a group of old friends woke up slowly, lazily, perfectly embodying that 'morning after the night before' sentiment. Breakfast just happened: the comforting sizzle of meat in a pan, the fluffing of eggs, the popping of toast, tinkling teaspoons in morning mugs of tea and the clinking of glasses filled with OJ. I can't remember what we talked about exactly, probably weddings and school and jobs and what time we should attempt to hit the motorway. It wasn't the conversation that mattered, but the opportunity to be together. To remember what it felt like to hear each others voices, read each others expressions, grasp each others hands and feel each other's laughter mingle with our own, felt perfectly natural, yet unusual and sacred. A reunion of long-distance friends. 

Photographs courtesy of Hannah Trott Photography

The Totality of Possibilities

It's Friday and I got that Friday feeling. So you know that person, that space, that film, song or publication that makes you feel all gooey and alive? Make time for that. Then pass it on. After all, it's the small things that make life jammy. These snail-mail goodies, for example, turned my frown upside down and made me realise that one bad day or even one bad week doesn't constitute one bad life. HAPPY FRIDAY FOLKS!

A Softer Side of the Capital

These photographs have been sitting in a folder on my computer for far too long. After a long, cold and wet start to the year, I cannot help but lean forward into spring-time sentimentality. Even though these pictures are from the past, they give me a glimpse of what is to come. Life might be throwing me lemons and heartache and unsharpened pencils, but I have never felt more hopeful. When I stop to look at the life that I'm building for myself, I'm surprised to find that it is nowhere near as pathetic or miserable as I anticipated. Inspite of the apparent emptiness, it is brimming with joyful opportunity. 

What about today makes you feel hopeful?

Yogi-Tea Wisdom

It's the first step towards health. Any tips on how this works practically would be much appreciated. For now my buzz words are tea, rest, people who love you, God.

Hipsta-Berlin

I've rekindled my love-affair with the hipstamatic iphone app. It's so perfect for Summer cos all the photos look all whimsy and fun. Plus it's so exciting watching the photos develop. Yes, I know I'm lame, but it really is the little things. Here are some of the hispta-snaps I've been taking recently.

1) Grabbing a Bratwurst from a stand after a long day of translating is really just the yummiest of yums.

2) Franziska came to visit! YAY! This was taken after midnight whilst we wandered around museum island in the dark. It was awesome.

3/4 I've been a bit 'off' again, so noticing the little things, treasuring the small moments has really helped me focus and be grateful for what I have: sometimes that's reading a book and turning off my phone, other times it's stopping in the middle of my street and noticing the beauty of late-spring sunshine.

5/6 My lil' bro came to visit me for a few days at the start of last week. We had so much fun, exploding through the city, giggling in vintage stores, making pretzel moustaches, enjoying Hillsong Church Berlin, drinking Fritzkola, eating Falafel and putting the world to right over delicious flat whites. He's so precious.

And so ends, hopefully, my recent blog-funk. I need to make space for the things I enjoy, but it's so difficult when the rest of your life is so demanding. Anyone get that feeling?

The Coincidence of Friendship

Franzi and I trying to get a picture of our heads. 

The coincidence of friendship depends on the consequences of our free will. If I hadn't gone to Düsseldorf, Germany or Florence, Italy, I wouldn't have met this person or that person. I might have met a completely different set of individuals but I didn't because I chose to come here, I chose to work at that theatre, to sit in that coffee shop, to join that church. All these choices openend up doors to completely contrasting, yet ultimately beautiful relationships  One of the things I have loved about moving out of my comfort zone, is that I have always found someone in the same position as me to have fellowship with along the way. God provides family for us wherever we go, it's just up to us to make the decision to get involved and find them.

I'm realising how meeting more and more people has shaped and challenged me. Every new friend brings a different perspective, a different box of interests and an individual heart. I don't want to ever stop meeting new people, because I guess friendships aren't really coincidences, but rather guides and rocks for particular seasons of your life. Some friends are supposed to walk with you day in day out, others walk with you for a term or a year, sometimes just a day. This doesn't mean that you'll forget them or that you'll never see each other again, or even that the friendship is somehow less valuable. Some of the best friendships I have are with people who, after months sometimes years of no contact, our circumstances allow us to meet and we just pick up where we left off. 

I cherish every single person who has become my friend and I look forward to all the wonderful friendships that await me. 

Sometimes...

it's ok to still feel sad, to have found peace, but no answers, to have moved on, without completely getting over it.

It's ok to flick back through photos, to laugh at the eager, innocence of the faces that stare back at yours and then wonder what you'd have done differently if you had only known.

It's ok to find that your neatly folded emotions and coping mechanisms are in fact still a tangled mess of grief that you stuffed at the back of your soul for another time.

It's ok to have spent some time not thinking about it, to have almost forgotten what it was like to ache and then sit there one evening and remember it's heaviness.

It's ok to still feel helpless.

It's ok to wonder what things would have been like if it hadn't happened.

It's ok that there's still so much more to say.

It's ok that it still can't be said.

It's ok that you're still grieving.

Original

One of man's greatest desires is to be original.

Those of us who succeed in this originality are the ones that we admire.

We don't have to TRY to be original - that kinda misses the point.

It's about being secure in who YOU are, right here, right now.

We are made in God's image.

So...

if we don't live out our own originality then a piece of God won't be displayed.

What you gonna do about it?

A Poem

I looked for something more honest and real.

I searched and found lust unsatisfactory and success insufficient.

I ignored God and ran through the streets as I so desired, playing upon the merry stage of life like an empty fool, trying to feel.

I gathered friends in my hands like chocolate pralines to be gorged upon: nothing substantial to see me through.

I drank intellect like my tea, with a dash of milk, but no sugar: knowledge awakened my mind, but it did not sweeten my soul.

I encoutered congregations of faith whose outstretched arms screamed love, yet they were rotting skeletons from within: sweet, sickly souls lacking strenght, security and truth.

I stared at the trees and wondered at the seasons. I feared time and its speed; I leant longingly into the future with a sickness of worry and pessimism. 

I travelled the world to find a new perspective and learnt new tongues so I could think a new: communication for communication’s sake left one cold and without a cause.

I stopped ignoring Him and began to see the life and hope in beings and trees. 

When I cried my tears were not just salt and water. 

When I laughed a symphony fell out of my mouth and when I drank from the cup of knowledge I felt engaged and alive.

Every encounter with another being simultaneously prempted and spontaneous: the perfect tension of free will and pre-destination.

I could not step onto new turf without the promise of possibility. 

I couldn’t smell the air without knowing it would take my weight if I wanted to fly.

I ran like a lark ascending with wings growing stronger and wider with every breath.

I sang like the morning light: sweet, clear and new.

I danced like the rain on the pavement and loved in a purity bold and blue.

Real and honest it engulfed me this higher being with a cause. 

It lay not in the words of a preacher or the melody of a hym, but in the connection of spirit and soul.

by Ellie Jackson

That Time God Gave Me An Iphone

The Story

Whilst preparing for my year abroad I was thinking a lot about communication. I have a lovely young man-friend who I wanted to be committed to even if I was in a completely different country and I was pretty convinced that a relationship wouldn't grow without communication. I figured the best way to do it was to invest in a smartphone so that I could at least use wifi etc. to email him regularly (like a text message) and skype-phone when necessary. I was also keen to invest in my blog a bit more and make easier for myself to post blogs on the go. Smartphones are so great because I can take a photo, edit it, post it onto my blog, write some words and VOILA blogpost completed! I told myself that I would put aside some of wages for Summer work and put it towards an iphone 3GS off Ebay. So far so good.

Here comes the dilemma. I got home to find out that I didn't have any Summer work. Nothing, nada. I hurriedly sent out 30 job applications and prayed and prayed and prayed that I would get one. Still nothing. As I sat in church one Sunday evening I started to get really envious of all the people who had iphones and Smartphones, thinking that it was so unfair that they had all these cool gadgets when I was the one with a blog and when I really needed one to keep my relationship going (or so I thought!) God really challenged me on my attitude and I realised that lusting after technology was just going to make me miserable. I was turning it into an idol. Furthermore, I needed to remember that he is totally got my relationship covered and he would provide a means of communication. I decided that I didn't want an iphone unless God was going to provide it. I was going to stop dreaming and scheming and get on with the rest of my life.

TWO MONTHS LATER I am offered 3 days of work. Amazing. I started thanking God thinking that this money would be able to go towards my new phone. But there were more important things to buy, like sensible shoes and adaptor plugs and work clothes. I was leaving in two weeks and I still had no phone plan for my year abroad. Once again I gave it all up to God and just TRUSTED and got on with things.

ONE WEEK LATER. I meet up with my girl Tabitha. She hadn't been around all Summer and I missed her cos she's my not-so-little sister (in Christ) and we tend to be on the same page MOST DAYS. So we decide to meet in Santa Fe, I'm all excited sipping my iced-latte and looking forward to catching up on her recent travelling adventures. She walks into the cafe, strides up to me and hands me a blue paper bag saying 'I got you a present'. My initial reaction was to feel guilty that I hadn't got her a present but I took the bag feeling a little stunned and emotional and start removing all the pretty blue tissue paper.

AND...

right at the bottom...

was an iphone.

What a father God is to me!? I know, I know God gives me massive things everyday, he gives me friends, family, oxygen, water, food etc. etc. But this little Iphone gift was more than just a crazy gadget, it was a reminder that he is not just faithful in the big things, but also in the small frivolous things as well. It's something that I'll use everyday and hold in my hand and remember that God is so creative and fun and good to me. 

Lost

This evening I got lost. I was on my way to an International Food Night that a local church was putting on and was looking forward to connecting with the community and speaking a lot of German. Alas, I took the wrong tram and ended up in the middle of nowhere, my phone started playing up and wouldn't connect to 3G so I couldn't use the map-app and then promptly decided to lock my sim-card FOR NO REASON, it was getting dark, I was over an hour late and I needed a wee.

     

 

I started to panic, I could barely order a coffee, English and German words started to merge and jumble in my head - I became literally speechless. Everything became aggressive: passersby seemed angry, the buildings looked taller, the trams fuller and the train-station emptier. In just a couple of minutes everything that I had put my security in (getting the right tram, using my iphone if I got lost, having a good night, my ability to communicate) had been stripped from me. I sat on a bench at the station, waiting for a train, feeling very small and a very alone. I guess it's in these moments that we really start to connect with who we are. Once I'd gotten over the initial fear, I still felt peaceful, I still felt secure. There's something about reading the German language on buildings and signs that makes me feel safe. Perhaps it's because I lived here as a child and there's still something nostalgic in those words, or perhaps the real reason is that God is continuing to confirm that this experience has been ordained for me. Whenever I feel like throwing in the towel, he reveals yet another blessing. Tonight he showed me the beauty at the train station. The graffiti, the buildings, the sky, everything that had previously intimidated me suddenly became beautiful and fun. It seems so silly but it meant so much.

The Self-Esteem Revolution

This evening I read this quote on Amy Morby's blog who read it on The Near Sighted Owl and it made a lot of sense.

When you don't have self-esteem you will hesitate before you do anything in your life. You will hesitate to go for the job you really wanna go for, you will hesitate to ask for a raise, you will hesitate to call yourself an American, you will hesitate to report a rape, you will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote, you will hesitate to dream. For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution and our revolution is long overdue.” 

― Margaret Cho

Having low self-esteem is such an ugly, ugly businesses. It damages you and it damages the people around you. Where once your friends were sympathetic to your insecurities they now have that look in their eyes which screams 'I'm bored, can we move on from this issue now?' Or perhaps your self-esteem is so rock-bottom that you can't even pluck up the courage to speak to someone about it. Either way it's stopping you from becoming the person you're supposed to be and from having the relationships you're supposed to have. 

I have also found that a lack of self-esteem can become a habit. It becomes that comfort blanket you reach for when a scary opportunity arrives at your front door and you can't find the strength or the willpower to shift that mindset. It can become an indulgence, a selfishness that contradicts the timidity and fear it produces.  It's the fear of failure, humiliation and rejection that smothers us like a nasty smelling snuggie.

But I ask you, what is failure, humiliation and rejection in the Kingdom of God? Failure is a man-made concept as is self-esteem. I find that if I look at myself and my credentials for my self-worth then I end up a sniveling, pitiful mess because I'm still not thin enough, clever enough, good enough, kind enough. But I believe that God loves everyone on this earth, I believe that he created us so beautiful, so intricate and so lovely and I believe that he delights in us on a daily basis. I really love God and I'm a massive fan of his creation, so if I believe that I too am created by him then I cannot help but have confidence because I know his creation is GOOD.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is this: insecurities are a waste of time and whilst they may be hard to deal with, they are worth fighting against. Don't let a lack of self-esteem stop yourself from living life to the full!