Fearless Singleness

Last week as my Dad was driving me to babysitting the subject of 'boyfriends and suitable marriage partners' came into conversation. As a daughter I expected my Dad to say the predictable 'DAD' stuff, you know the 'don't worry about it sweetheart, you'll find someone eventually' kinda line. Instead I got this: ' I'm not going to tell you you'll find someone, because there's the possibility you won't' GREAT. AWESOME. Exactly what I needed to hear. NOT.

There's a man in my head, my perfect man . Actually, he's not perfect, in fact he has many obvious flaws. I can't tell you what his features are, but I have some idea of his character. Gah, this sounds so corny, but trust me in my head it's a lot less mushy. Whenever I feel frustrated or hurt by my singleness, I close my eyes and remind myself what I'm looking/waiting for. Now, I know a lot of christians warn against this sort of thinking, they would say it's emotionally dangerous to assume that God has marriage in your futures. Whilst I agree that not everyone is destined for marriage, I would argue that God tells us to dream big dreams, that he will grant us the desire of our hearts and one of mine is to have that companionship between husband and wife and start a family.

Yet I know that marriage is a long way off for me. God has put so much on my heart. I want to write, have a magazine column, I want to sing, make music, write songs, I want to act, write plays, I want to live abroad, travel, see the world, I want to preach and I want to help mentor younger girls. Some of these things, I believe, require me to be single. They demand my complete devotion to God and my career without any other emotional distractions. There is the possibility that a husband would release me into my potential but the feminist in me is irritated at the thought of finding my identity in a man (LOL!) I want to find my completeness in my faith and the life God has called me to lead.

All the same, I am a hopeless romantic and if God has weaved celibacy into my life-plan then that's something I am going to really struggle with. It won't, however, stop me believing in God's goodness, nor will it prevent me from living my life completely. As I'm writing this, the teenage girl in me is screaming 'Don't let me be lonely - I don't want to turn into an old maid!'. Like I said, I WANT to fall in love, I WANT to get married and I WANT to have children, but I'm only 18, it's not like I need to feel desperate yet (if at all!) Furthermore, I haven't found anyone remotely suitable. My previous relationships, while fun and lovely in their own way, plagued me with doubts from the moment they began and left me feeling hurt but incredibly relieved when they were over. I need to listen to my instincts more and remind myself that it's okay to be picky in relationships - as long as I'm not too unreasonable!

The danger with being single is that I can use it as a period of pick and mix dating. I'll go on a date with a guy, enjoy his company but know that it will never go any further than one or two dates. This isn't fair on the guy or fair on me. Thankfully, I'm kind of over that phase now. It's pretty disappointing and often wastes many a good cappuccino moment. Instead of being on the look out, instead of preparing myself, beautifying myself to impress men and catch a boyfriend, I'm going to do things that make ME happy. I will wear make-up because I enjoy applying it, I will dress nicely because I adore fashion & style, I will develop my character because it will benefit me and those around me and I will strengthen my faith because it's such an amazing privilege to know God personally not because I hope it will attract the right sort of boy.

I'm seeing this particular entry as a challenge, I want to read back over this and still feel as focused. I'm going to spend this time, this new found freedom to invest in my present and my future by building great friendships and improving myself with whatever opportunities are thrown my way.

Blogger-block!?

On Tuesday my friend made a comment about my blog saying that the content was diminishing in quality i.e depth. This bothered me, not just because I value his opinion (we have very different tastes anyway!) but because it made me question my blogging motives. Ideally I want everything I write to be good, meaningful etc. but I also want it to be a combination of light, fun posts and 'deep', thoughtful pieces. So, I might post something about my bible readings or politics or a book/film/album or I might just throw up a load of photos and talk about my day/week/holiday. Basically I want it to represent me in writing and photos. I was worried that I was trying to do too much in one blog, that I needed to restrict it to a theme or a concept - some of my favourite blogs are the ones that focus on something specific. But I don't feel the need to limit my content because, as much as I find it exciting having followers, I'm not writing this blog for anyone else but myself. It's my little outlet of expression that, if i were exceptionally musical or artistic, I would put into a song or a painting. The theme and content of my posts are a reflection of my personal thoughts and emotions at that time in my life - the specifics are left for my journal! Anyway, I just wanted to reassure myself, and those who read my blog, that the thoughtful posts haven't disappeared altogether, I'm just storing them up because I want to do them justice. I haven't really had time to think deep, meaningful thoughts during studying leave; my brain power has been channeled into learning the passive tense and identifying cadences (woop!) Feel free to comment!

Midsummer: Swings and SHP

The sky was so beautiful tonight and I didn't want to waste it sitting indoors revising. So, at about nine o'clock I called up my friend Phip and suggested we roadtripped our way to South Hill Park to make the most of the midsummer evening. We felt so crazy and impulsive!

There is something about South Hill Park that makes me want to cry with happiness. It holds so many gorgeous memories, in fact I feel like a piece of myself has been weaved into the walls and every-time I return it's like a secret part of me is released again. Tonight as Phip and I ran like loonies around the grounds I felt more alive than ever. I've made a pact with myself to spend as many summer evenings there as possible with my thespian friends laughing, singing and being complete fools.

I also went on a swing for the first time in like EVER. I LOVE SWINGS. The sky felt so big and open, so the higher we swung the more we felt like we could lift off and fly - MAGICAL. We then made our way back to the house to buy drinks from the cafe, then lay in the grass, took silly photos and soaked up the atmosphere. It was exactly what I needed. I only hope my summer holds more evenings such as this one.

Sunday Evening Post

I would like to dedicate the majority of this post to my Dad because he rocks and it's father's day so I feel obliged to do so. In all seriousness he's a fantastic man, slightly irritating, occasionally naggy and uptight, but for the most part he's a genial, humble sort of fellow and I feel so lucky to be able to call him 'Dad'. We share a love of good quality pens, bookshops, newspapers, good coffee, political discussions, jazz music, german, studying and early mornings. My Dad has been there for me in such a huge way over the past year and even though he often doesn't understand my anxious, crazy outbursts I know I can go to him for advice (usually academic - not going to lie!) He is such a man of God and his faith is so inspiring. I am so proud of the work he is doing with CAP and the way he continues to support and love us as a family. So, yeah...HAPPY FATHER'S DAY DAD!

In other news this week marks an exciting turning-point in my eighteenth year. From tomorrow I'm starting a personal project/challenge, I've decided not to go public about it because I'm scared of failing but hopefully in September I'll be able to write a post about the whole (successful!?) experience; then on Wednesday A-Levels will be done along with secondary education and on Thursday Summer 2010 officially starts! I am SO excited, too excited to revise (issues...) but I have lots of wonderful, whimsical adventures and activities lined up for JULY/AUGUST/SEPTEMBER. But enough of this Summer talk, I have 3 days of focused work, practice and exams to endure before I can expand on all my hopes and dreams for the next couple of months. Indeed, such a momentous week must get off to a good start and by good start I mean a well-rested Ellie J so, for now, GOODNIGHT!

Messy rooms/Messy Days

This morning I woke up to a messy room and a messy day: my floor was a health hazard and I had no idea how my day was going to plan out. I normally hate these sort of days because, although I like variety and randomness, I like things to feel ordered and productive. Even now as I write this I don't feel I've accomplished much, but in in reality I did lots of things today they just didn't count towards my A-Levels. I went running, read through a number of blogs, booked train tickets for Edinburgh, drew a spider-diagram for Das Leben der Anderen (this did count towards my exams!), put together a number of different outfits for summer, turned my room upside down in an attempt to find my bank-card, danced around my living room to Glee's Journey Medley, posted a letter, bought a newspaper, updated my i-pod/i-tunes, baked a cake with my friends, ate Maltesers (then was promptly sick as they have barley malt in them - damn gluten intolerance!), phoned one of my best friends, tidied my room, put up fairy lights, found my favourite Body Shop lipgloss in a random bag under my bed, finished putting together my friend's birthday present and now I'm blogging. Yup I'm an expert at productive procrastination. Here are the before and after pictures of my room:

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I really love my room, right now it feels like it's jumped right out of an IKEA catalogue (that's also because pretty much everything in my room is from IKEA - I LOVE IKEA!) My room is my own little world and, when it's tidy, it's the perfect place for Ellie Jackson to be. So goodnight!

Baking

If there's one thing I will take away from my Kendrick education it's that baking cures the stresses and mellows the blues. It's fun, often messy but always yummy. In the past two years I have become an expert on the blueberry muffin, the M&M cookie and the gluten-free chocolate brownie. Today I, along with two of my best friends, baked a very special cake for a 20-year old birthday girl. It was a white-chocolate truffle cake - incredibly simple for something that sounds so sophisticated. However we incurred a number of difficulties. Firstly, we didn't buy enough white chocolate and the supermarket down the road didn't sell big bars of white chocolate, so Annie returned with about 10 packets of white chocolate buttons - that was fun!

Then, once in the oven the cake began to take on a peculiar form: a pair of wonky breasts. Thankfully it became less obscene after we clothed it in the thick white-chocolate sauce - doesn't it look suitably sophisticated for a young lady coming of age!?

The transportation of the cake also proved a problem when it began to POUR with rain, thankfully the Jackson household is always prepared (LIES!) and there was an umbrella at hand :-D HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOPHIE!

Doing Good

At church on Sunday we explored the idea of 'doing good' and I find myself this morning revisiting the bible passage we were looking at:

They should be obedient, always ready to do what is good TITUS 3:1

Yesterday morning I woke up to this text from a friend:

How in everyday life can I sow Gods seeds after being filled at church?

It got me thinking, regardless of a person's faith, whether you're a christian, muslim, atheist, agnostic we should always being looking out for ways to bless people. Not only does it make you feel better, but it makes the other person feel appreciated. I know when someone has done 'good' to me it has often been the turning point in a bad day, leaving me feeling more positive about the world I live in. I made a deal with myself last week not to just 'do' good but to try to 'think' good as well - I've been battling recently with a lot of negativity in my thought life and it was just making me feel crappy. So now it's POSITIVE BRAIN WAVES all the way.

For those of you who are thinking 'but HOW can I do good!?' I'd like to point you in the direction of this blog I found on tumblr a couple of weeks ago. I think I know the author, but she's one of those shady writers who wishes to remain anonymous so I won't indulge you any further. Basically, she has set herself a challenge of doing one good deed a day. Now you may be thinking ' WHAT only ONE good-deed?' but that's not the point I'm trying to advocate here. What I'm inspired by is the fact that she is always on the look out for opportunities to do something good, that's definitely the attitude I want to be living out in my everyday life. So check it out:

www.onegooddeed.tumblr.com

p.s If the link doesn't appear on this post just scroll down and you'll find a link to her blog on my left 'blogs I read' column.

The Hat of Reasonableness

This evening we introduced 'The Hat of Reasonableness' to our dinner table discussions. After a feast ofprovocative comments, long winded argumentsand just downright temper prodding comments, my father, very suddenly, produced this hat out of thin air and plonked it on his head. Our first thought was, naturally, that the head of the house had gone 'insane due to stresses at work' and we all burst into fits of laughter. This was only further emphasised when my father asserted with a manic smile that he was wearing the Hat ofReasonableness and from now on we must be wearing the hat if we wished to make a contribution to the conversation. This, far from solving the pressing conversation crisis (i.e ARGUMENTS), only added to the hilarity and intensity of the debate. It was definitely one of those moments to file away in the old memories crevice of my brain.

'Tune in Soppy!'

My vocal identity has always been hovering around the Soprano range. For most of my early teens I used to kid everyone, myself included, that I was a Mezzo Soprano but in reality I was just being lazy and couldn’t be bothered to sing the REALLLY high notes. That all changed when I walked into a singing lesson after 3 years of no training, and was told by the wonderful Miss J the austrian opera singer that I wasn’t allowing my voice to reach its full potential (she subsequently played the note that would soon be the highest note in my vocal range - I swear it was only audible for the canines among us)

As a musical theatre and choir fanatic I am often required to pick up different vocal parts as quickly as possible. So as I high-female singer I will immediately recognise the soprano 1, soprano 2 and possible alto lines of a piece of music. It is unlikely, however, that I will be able to pick-up the Tenor or Bass lines of the piece. Now this never struck me as significant or a problem until I discovered the requirements for Grade 8 aural where, you guessed it, I am required to sing the bass line of a piece. GAH. My first practice was awful, I felt so frustrated. It was as if I was missing out on this whole magical section of the music because I simply couldn’t tune into it. However, after a week of tuning myself in to dominants, tonics, relative majors/minors and bass lines I had another aural lesson this evening and it was like a whole new musical universe had opened before my eyes (or should I say ears) Finally I was listening to the WHOLE piece of music rather than tuning into just the top line. It was wonderful. Once again I am in awe at the beautiful intricacy of classical music, the delicate balance, the necessary structure, the way the composer phrases the melody to show of the singer’s voice - gorgeous! I have re-fallen (if that’s even a word) in love with music and singing. I seem to forget that it’s such a huge part of who I am and my identity as an artist. I need to sing more, I need to listen more, I need to, you guessed it, TUNE IN.

REAL

This evening as I was walking to church I just had such a hunger to hear from God. I felt like my heart and my mind were screaming: ‘FEEEEEEEED ME, FEEEEED ME!’ (you know, a bit like the human-eating plant in ‘Little Shop of Horrors’) Anyhoodle, during the worship Simon started talking about dreams and about how our dreams are too small and we should be praying for them to expand and materialise. Now for a while my dreams have been somewhat of a tangled mess. It’s like I can see the city, sense the atmosphere, feel the pavement under my feet but it’s covered in a smoggy haze. I’m aware of my talents and I know my heart, but I just couldn’t see my purpose or find my place. So I prayed. I prayed for clarity, I prayed for answers.

Boy did God deliver.

For all the single people who lie in bed at night and pretend to fall asleep in someone's arms. A Note:

'God gives us singleness - a season of our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning and service. We find the real beauty in using our freedom to serve God with abandon' JOSHUA HARRIS

Let's go crazy. Read lots of books, travel, have a ridiculous number of friends who you meet up with a ridiculous number of times, love boys as brothers and girls as sisters, spend time with your parents, grandparents, siblings, spend your life in Starbucks writing incredibly thoughtful SINGLENESS poetry, start a blog, watch all the old movies, watch all the new movies, get up early and frolic through a grassy field then lie down in it and listen...God might be calling you to do something amazing.

I hope you find your purpose.

A very special mug.

This mug has a story, albeit it's not a great, exciting one but it's endearing and sweet in it's own little way. I had been complaining (I must stress it was in a tounge-in cheek kinda manner) about not being able to find a decent cup of tea during the Young Women's Leadership Summit in New York (Summer 2008). There was brief moment at Tavern on the Green where I had spotted a Twining's tea-bag and had promptly displayed to the rest of my team mates the joys of an english brew. Later on whilst browsing in the university books shop my room mate Julia and the lovely Dana asked me to recommend them some tea from the tea corner as they wanted to have a mini tea-drinking sesh that evening. I was more than happy to make use of my tea knowledge :-) Later that evening, after returning from the shower, I found a small package on my bed saying: 'Because we love you English girl!' and there inside was the mug and the tea I had recommended to them. It was honestly the sweetest thing in the world, I had just that night felt really homesick as there was no way I could ring home and tell them all the amazing things that were happening, whereas the other girls were able to talk to their parents every night. Thus the mug represented both my crazily awesome time in the Big Apple and my roots back in England; for a small moment that evening I settled in the tension between the two and it was awesome! The mug is also a fantastic size, an excellent morning mug (you know when you need a MASSIVE amount of tea just to keep your eyes open)the handle is sturdy and comfy and I just love the logo etc. etc. It's a special mug, with a special story from two very special people. Happy Wednesday!