New Years Eve

It's come around again, that overrated, hideous night of the year. Why is New Year's Eve such a massive anti-climax!? Maybe it's because I get so tied up with Christmas that I forget that the New Year is only a week away and then by the time I get round to making plans everyone's already got parties to go to or they're going up to London to watch the fireworks. I always seem to find myself party-less and broke on the 31st December and this year is NO different.

I've pretty much decided to spend tonight by myself. I shall sit on the sofa in my living room with a gin and tonic and watch Mean Girls, 27 Dresses, Sabrina, The Way We Were, a couple of Gilmore episodes and then wind it up with Jools Holland's Hootenanny after watching the fireworks on BBC1. Maybe if I don't expect too much from New Years Eve it might turn round and surprise me with a good time. So I'm a bit of a larry this year, but it's by choice and if I end up feeling sad and lonely singing 'All By Myself' into a wine-glass like Bridget Jones then it will be a self-inflicted incident and I'll only have myself to hate.

Alternatively, if any of you fancy staying and watching films this New Year's eve (with me!) give me a shout. We have a big sofa.

Our Christmassy House

My mother is a goddess when it comes to Christmas decorations. Just look at our warm, cosy, festive house. LOVE IT.

P.S Check out my AWESOME cake icing.

The Greatest Gift

I got to the point last Friday when I decided that I'd had enough of reapplying my make-up because I knew that I'd just cry it all off again. I was so annoyed with myself for feeling so miserable on one of the best days of the year! I tried all my little christmassy tricks to try and get me in a festive mood but nothing seemed to work. That evening was our christmas eve party and I remember turning to Laura as I was making everyone cups of tea and saying: 'I'm just so tired. When will there be good news? I want to be happy again'. It sounds incredibly morbid and pessimistic (two adjectives which don't resonate well with me!) but I just couldn't seem to keep it together, because NEWS FLASH Ellie Jackson is NOT superwoman!

Anyway the party went on and it soon became apparent that our plans to go to Guilford Cathedral for midnight mass would have to be cancelled on account of exhausted, sick parents. Another disappointment, but a decision I could understand. But I desperately wanted to go to church that evening, no, I think I NEEDED to go to church that evening just to remind myself of the real reason for Christmas. I guess I figured that if the baubles and the snow and Bing Crosby crooning away in Holiday Inn weren't going to butter me up in the Christmas spirit then a couple of carols and a few candles were sure to do the trick. Then Laura and Sophie gave me the best Christmas gift anyone could have given me this year, they offered to drive and accompany me all the way to Guilford to go to midnight mass. So at 10:00 Laura arrived at my house and I jumped into her car armed with a Thermos and off we drove in the allusive Bagshot direction.

We sang along to Hillsong and Jesus Culture all the way there and as the car snaked it's way through the dark, country roads I felt God's presence so intimately. Then in the cathedral with it's evocative architecture and stillness I finally felt that peace which transcends all understanding. Admittedly this was interspersed with hyper, tired giggles for us three ladies when we thought that the entire service might be conducted in Latin, thankfully it was not and I got to sing the descant to three of my favourite carols without receiving any bewildered looks from the congregation. As I went up to take communion whilst being serenaded by a beautiful choir singing Agnus Dei it conveniently occurred to me that there is some good news this Christmas. Yes, I'm aware it's corny and predictable and all you non-christians are probably thinking 'When is she going to write a post that doesn't include Jesus?'. But the thing is I believe that he IS the good news in my life. Sometimes, like now, he is the only good news in my life and the only hope that makes getting out of bed in the morning seem worthwhile. My greatest gift this Christmas is him and the wonderful friends who willingly drove for hours and stayed up till 2am just to let me be reminded of this.

Home Comforts: A Baggy Jumper and a Best Friend

So I've recently become the owner of a large aran jumper. It's a hand-me-down from my father and it's big, cosy, warm and perfect for throwing over leggings. I love it. It makes me SO happy.

ANYWAY...(!)

This evening I was reunited with the love of my life that is Laura Webber-Gant. She has had numerous mentions on this blog because she is such an encouraging, influential and spiritual force in my life. I wasn't sure if we were going to be able to meet tonight, but she rang me whilst I was in my tepid bath, attempting to read some trashy, German chick-lit insisting that she come over. Unable to get a lift from her parents she text me saying 'I'm walking, will be with you in half an hour' (this was at 8pm!) and when I asked her if she was sure (cos walking through Bracknell at that time ain't fun!) she replied 'Your hug is so worth it'. SEE HOW AMAZING SHE IS!?

After a MASSIVE squeeze, a chocolate binge, a facebook stalk, a boyfriend chat and a tea-drinking ceremony we decided to take some 'Friends Re-United' style photos, which was all fine and dandy until I sloshed tea all over my desk whilst pressing the 'Take Photo' button (such a klutz!)

We eventually got on to the more serious topics. We talked about Annie, how hard it is without her and how were doing on the 'grieving' front. As always a few memories were shared and we laughed at the good times we shared with her. We spoke about my Mum and the returning cancer, how I felt, my fears, my needs, my lack of openness. Then we moved onto our futures and where we felt God was leading us and the type of partners (Laura has a boyfriend! YAY!) we were looking for. It was such a relief to be completely open with somebody. Laura has been my friend for years and we have been through so much together - she understands me better than most people and isn't afraid of telling me off! 2010 has been an incredibly life-changing year for the both of us, but we both admitted this evening that we wouldn't have had it any other way. Yes it's been hard and yes things have happened that have been sucky and rubbish, things we wish we could have prevented, but we have grown so much in our faith, as people and as friends. The evening rounded itself up with a hug and a prayer and I was suddenly transported back to a moment in March when Laura, Annie and I were sat on my bed reading our bibles and praying after difficult break-ups. There were so many parallels - we had the chocolate, we had the tears, we had the hilarious boy-comments. In many ways it was comforting to remember such a profound memory with Annie and even though it was obvious that she wasn't a physical presence on my bed this evening, the God that acted and still acts as the bond between us as friends was very much at the centre of our conversation. Tonight as Laura and I cried, shared and prayed we boldly asked God that 2011 would not be a year of rest and a year free from suffering, but rather it would be another year of substantial growth, of new lessons, new opportunities and life-changing experiences. I am blessed with amazing friends, non?!

Things I Have Learnt:

1. It is worth getting up at 7am to go for a run on the Downs just for the sunrise over the suspension bridge.

2. When you are gluten-intolerant it's important to remember what sort of flour you used for the Gingerbread-men before you decide to taste it in order to avoid inconvenient allergic reactions.

3. When you are in a hurry you will attract every single slow-walking, disabled, elderly person in the whole world.

4. Crying over a paper cup of Diet Coke in McDonalds is really as unglamorous and awkward as it sounds.

5. Give into grief. It prevents bitterness clawing at your heart.

6. Traditional Carol Services with candles, organs and orchestras are the only ones worth attending.

7. Hard work does pay off...eventually.

8. Post from aunties and unexpected friends will turn a frown upside down.

9. Waking up wishing you were Scandinavian will always leave you disappointed.

10. You will never be able to see clearly in Hollister.

11. I get a huge amount of satisfaction from performing. Musical Theatre makes me happy.

12. Austrian culture is bizarre.

13. I have enough clothes.

14. Cath Kidston stickers are not an effective replacement for stick tape.

15. I am not as open and honest as I thought I was.

16. Sometimes God is silent.

17. Faith is a choice.

Advent Calendars

There's something rather disorientating about going through December without an advent calendar. For one thing, I never know what the date is and for another it's hard to get excited about christmas without a visual countdown. We've always had homemade calendars at home, thanks to my very talented mother, so I thought I might try my hand at making one. The first week of the month was ridiculously busy for me but I somehow managed to find the time to make myself a calendar out of red Ikea pegs, Sainsbury's string and Blackwell's record cards. I wanted something that would keep me focused on what I consider to be the true meaning of Christmas: Jesus. So each record card has a bible passage written on one side, which I must read every morning, I then write my favourite verses from the passage on the other side of the card and reattach it to the peg. In theory I should have a garland of uplifting, inspiring verses in reality I have a somewhat ragged, saggy washing line inconsistently pegged with bible truths. Oh well, it's the thought that counts right!?

THE MAKING OF MY ADVENT CALENDAR

A week after this masterpiece was created I received a calendar from home. Mum had ordered me a picture advent calendar from Germany that arrived late. It's almost a carbon copy of one I had hanging in my room, aged 9 during my first real German christmas. It's wonderfully traditional, with the picture for the 6th December being a large window filled with a smiling St Nicholas and all the lovely characters are dressed in Lederhosen and Dirndls. I feel like a proper German student now, in fact, as I write this I am half watching a program called 'Al Murray's German Adventure' - SO CULTURED.

A Note on Politics

Since the elections last Summer I have refrained from political thought, opinion and indeed enthusiasm. The girl who diligently researched the political parties and their campaigns, writing thorough and detailed to-do lists is now disillusioned with the government and its leaders. When it comes to politics I find every option disappointing and uninspiring. I want to be politically active, I want to care about who runs my country but recently the whole 'What's the point? They don't listen' argument is proving rather convincing.

In the last few weeks there have been numerous protests in Bristol and other university cities. Protests which I didn't attend. I wanted to, but deep down I couldn't help feeling that it would be a waste of my time, that nothing would come of it, thus I refused to skip lectures for them. Again, I just wanted to distance myself and my own thoughts from the current politically situation as much as possible.

However, whilst reading the news this morning I came across a video of David Cameron scolding the students for the way they protested. Now I know that violence is not the answer, but if politicians are not listening or indeed even recognising peaceful protests then what else can be done!? As I sat there watching him waffle on like a pompous, unreasonable headmaster I couldn't help but think what a ghastly mistake he and his coalition are making in the way they are handling the question of University fees. Do they not realise that the students protesting are the future of this country? They are the future voters, politicians, businessmen, scientists, writers and artists that will go on to have a major impact on Britain and its politics. By treating us like naughty school children they are only fanning the flame of discontent This is not just about a rise in tuition fees in fact I'm not even sure if that's the main stimulus for our anger. Rather it's frustration at yet another government who refuses to listen and has once again made a mockery of democracy. Naturally, in a coalition, politics depends on compromise, but I feel Mr Clegg should be aware that there is a difference between a compromise and an undermining of the values for which your party was voted into government for.

My rather defeated hopes now rest on the success of the Labour party, although I'm rather doubtful that a man who looks and sounds like Big-Bird will really revolutionise the party and make the necessary changes needed in order to win back mass support or indeed my vote. What we lack in British politics are good, solid leaders who genuinely and meticulously care about the welfare and the future of British society. Instead we are left with ignorant, power-hungry oxbridge graduates who are so far removed from the real world, I often wonder whether we live in the same England.

Rant over. I will continue to refrain from political comment from now on.

SNOW.

This was the view from our kitchen window yesterday afternoon. It made me so happy. I love snow, it's so evocative. It reminds me of being a kid in Germany, of skiing, of Christmas. In particular it brings back vivid memories of happy times spent with certain people such as a snow picnic with my school friends, or rushing down to the christmas markets in Düsseldorf after the last day of school with our friends to go ice-skating and look at all the toy displays in the shop windows. I remember building a giant snowman with my brothers and pulling my little cousins along on sledges, I remember watching the snow fall from inside our kitchen whilst I had a cup of tea and a chin-wag with my Mum. Then there's the time I sat in a car chatting for a good two hours with one of my friends wrapped up in my coat and listening to John Mayer. I'm even taken back to a sleigh-ride in Austria with my girlfriends when I was about nine-years old. We whizzed through the snow, snuggled under blankets and then had a hot chocolate from a Chalet in the middle of the woods.

Snow is so magical. The other night as I walked back through Clifton after my rehearsals it looked like glitter was falling from the sky. I stood under the street lamp and just marvelled and its beauty. I mean Clifton looks like a film-set most of the time, but in that moment I felt like I was in a movie. As I said a little prayer of thanks, I felt God say 'Just for you Ellie, this little bit of snow is just for you'. So as well as making incredibly nostalgic, snow is God's little, sparkly gift to me this Christmas :-)

A Pair of Toms

TOMS ARE ON THE BRAIN. Two of my closest friends in Manor are called Tom. They are super lovely boys, with super posh accents and contagious laughs.

Tom R, or lovely Tom, or 'OUR' Tom lives on 0-West. He has the perfect voice for radio, we call him Terry Wogan behind his back, just cos it's so deep and sooooothing. He also makes THE best potato wedges. A couple of weeks ago he turned up at our kitchen (after walking up five flights of stairs) with a tray of potato wedges followed by Jules and Chris carrying an olio of condiments. It was YUM. I often pop down to 0-West for a cup of tea and a bit of Tom-time and I love it when he comes out with us as a group because his dance moves are OUT OF THIS WORLD. He made fresher's week so fun with his groovin' and our candy floss moustaches, we also went to watch the rugby in Bar 100 one afternoon, him sipping a cranberry juice and me with my tap-water. He's also one of the most honourable guys I know, he is one of the few who has remained faithful to his lovely girlfriend throughout the term and he remains so calm and collected when bombarded by the 'boy-issues' of us girls on floor 5. WE LOVE HIM.

The other Tom, or drama-tom, or Wraggy lives in Tottenham place. He's pretty much defined by his course, English and Drama, in that I am often unwillingly pelted with a plethora of accents and Shakespeare quotes. Joking aside, I love him to pieces. Even though his mock-pretentious 'Gap-yah' references drive me up the wall and I am constantly having to phone him at 9:30 or earlier to make sure he's out of bed and doing some work, he's a real gem. We have so much in common, we love drama and 500 Days of Summer and Breakfast at Tiffany's and Ikea and Starbucks etc. etc. But more importantly he's willing to listen to me babble on and on about stuff that's bothering me whilst we eat angel delight and he willingly watches Gilmore Girls (even though he's not the greatest fan!) So he's pretty spesh.

There are another pair of TOMS on my mind right now. They're a pair of shoes. Although you could argue that they're more than just a pair of shoes, rather it's a movement that is changing the lives of hundreds around the world. For every pair of TOMS shoes I buy, a child in a developing country gets a pair too. It's an incredible idea, started by an amazing guy called Blake whose unselfish approach to business is providing these children and adults with opportunities to improve their social standing. I urge you all to check out this video, it'll explain it better than I can.

Share Our Documentary - Official Store - TOMS Shoes - A Pair of New Shoes is Given to a Child in Need With Every Pair Purchased - One for One - TOMSshoes.com