How to love a Spiked Wall

Sometimes loving someone can be like hugging a brick wall. In general these walls are incapable of hugging you back and you’re likely to just wind up with a dirty face and grazed elbows. Sometimes, however, these walls will try to hug you back but instead of a comfortable embrace they’ll stick out spikes in defence and you'll get speared and hurt over and over again. Some people don’t know how to love and this is something that we just have to except as fact. No matter how hard we try, no amount of effort will make them return those feelings or even be civil to you. Therefore, it is neccessary to learn the tactics of spiked wall loving.

It is important to keep you heart and your emotions as far away from spiked walls as possible. This doesn’t mean that you cut yourself off from them completely, or that you stick out your own spikes to try and cut it deep - trust me, it’s futile. Instead we must support the wall from afar by building foundations around it, planting flowers at it’s base, encouraging others to admire it. This can be translated as praying for them, encouraging them and speaking well of them (or just not saying anything about them at all!) Recently I have found praying for my own spiked wall particularly liberating, every time this person frustrates or upsets me I just send a little pray up asking God for patience but also asking that he will bless them and transform them into the person he wants them to be. It’s not easy, but it’s what I’ve been called to do.

I tried to hug a wall and got bruised, I tried to hug a spiked wall and got stabbed, now I’m going to try even harder to support the spiked wall through other means. I just remember that every angry, bitter thought I have about somebody is just a waste of my thinking space. Why should someone so unworthy rob me of my greatest ideas and moments?! I’m honestly done caring. It’s not like they’re going to change because I think they’re in the wrong. Only God can do that.

p.s Alternatively, you could just throw pumpkins at them like they do in the picture.

Season Finale

If you’re an avid LOST fan and/or a seriously early riser then this morning at 5:30 am you might have been watching the season finale; 7 seasons of confusion and drawn-out plot-lines have finally come to an end. I must confess that I am not a LOST fan - it’s not fast-paced, happy or witty enough for me to spend 7 seasons watching it. Give me Gilmore Girls or Friends ANY day!

Anyways, today somewhat marks my own season finale. It’s my last EVER week at school, which is terrifying, exciting, long-awaited and ‘OH MY WORD WHERE DID TIME GO?!’. Unfortunately the nostalgia has yet to settle in, this is largely due to the fact that I am overworked and stressed and therefore in need of a holiday. But then I guess Season Finale’s are what you make them. In America graduation is this hugely significant event where everyone gathers to celebrate the achievements of that school year, whereas in England the last few weeks of school seem to fizzle out into nothing because your ‘last’ day isn’t really your ‘last day’ as you’re back in for exams. It frustrates me, as a girl of routine, to-do lists and general order, that there appears to be a lack of finality about this week. Maybe I’m too used to saying goodbye and packing up my things to move on to the next chapter or maybe this finale isn’t as poignant as the last or maybe I’m just too exhausted to fully comprehend this momentous occasion.

Yet when I look back on my secondary school career I can’t help but be proud of my contribution and my attitude. I have no regrets. I wasn’t cool, but I was myself. I wasn’t popular but I made lots of friends. I worked hard and got excellent grades. I threw myself into the school community and tried to make a difference. Okay, so I was a fat boffin for most of it and I’m sure most people wanted to shoot me. However, the last two years at Kendrick have not only unleashed my inner geek but have also provided me with the most incredible girlfriends. I’ve been allowed to drink tea, laugh like a hyena, dance like a loon, dress according to my mood, BE proud of my intelligence, explore literature, culture, politics…I’ve been allowed to flourish.

So even though I’m tired and worn-out, I’m content with the outcome of this chapter. I probably won’t give this week the energy it deserves but then I rarely get emotional until it’s REALLY definitely over (so around September I’ll be a snivelling mess) I guess I don’t want to hold onto something that won’t last. It’s time to move on and step forward into the next phase.

My little miracle

I have been waiting for this day for five years: it's my Mum's final cancer check-up. I must confess that the significance of this moment has only really just hit me and I'm suddenly being thrown back into 2005 amidst the hospital visits, the fear, the prayers that seemed to go unanswered, the loneliness and strangely enough...basketball jerseys. To be honest, the fear of the cancer returning was put on the backbench of my mind a long time ago as the most pressing issue was facing Mum's disability. I am so proud of my family and what we have achieved: they are more than just relations, they are my friends and my confidants. This has been a team effort, God included and a real testament to our faith and God's faithfulness. I have finally caught sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, a tunnel I had almost forgotten about until this morning when my parents left and my grandparents arrived. The scars of that period still remain, my Mum is still disabled and the memories, at times, are as clear and sharp as ever, but my perspective on those wounds has changed dramatically over the past few years. Romans 8:28 says:

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and who have been called according to his purpose.

Now I can see the good in our situation. As a family we are stronger, more considerate and really appreciate each other's company - we actually WANT to spend time with one another. I look at my Mum and the number of fantastic things she has done over the past five years: this week she bowled, she has flown to L.A, Kayaked, set up a drama group, directed a play, been the BEST Mum in the whole world and encouraged so many people in their walk with God. Then I look at myself and see how God has challenged and blessed me over this half a decade. I have the most amazing friends, I have been inspired, by my Mother and by the concept of 'you may not be here forever' to make the most of EVERY single day, to knock on every door and accept every opportunity that comes my way...



We just got the call: ALL CLEAR.



'nuff said.

Mondays

There is nothing like waking up to glorious sunshine, accompanied by the huge mug of tea your father has lovingly brought up for you. It’s Monday the 10th of May and I have home study, so there was time to stay snuggled under the duvet and catch up on some reading. After becoming quickly disillusioned with the pretentious rhetoric of Mr Irwin Mcmanus I gave up with ‘Uprising’, decided that the revolution of my soul could wait and continued investigating the ‘Audacity of Hope’. I have to read this book with a pencil nearby, because every so often I come across one of those perspective-changing, opinion-affirming quotes that is just screaming to be underlined. However, I will save my thoughts on Obama’s politics for another blog…I should also probably finish the book before commentating on it.

As I said, today was and is Monday. The day that often determines my mood for the rest of the week - get the balance right on Monday then I only have to sustain the momentum, get the balance wrong and I have to struggle against waves of negativity till Saturday when I have the space to fall on my face and recharge. Last Monday was flat, so the rest of my week was flat: emotionless, detached (apart from the occasional excited outburst over the election and the political future of Britain) until last night when all the thoughts and emotions that I SHOULD have been experiencing overflowed and I nearly had to resort to ultimate ‘Ellie therapy’ (lying on a hard wooden floor with Puccini’s La Boheme blaring out of the speakers)

Now, before I opened my eyes this morning I asked God for sunshine, for time and for a great start to my week. I honestly couldn’t face a day feeling fragile and randomly heartbroken at my lack of enthusiasm for life, studying, relationships etc. When I opened my eyes there was my dear father with tea in a Cath Kidston mug (excellent size), I turned to look outside and there was my sunshine and beside my bed was a pile of books enticing me into their pages. I am convinced that tea, sun, words of wisdom from one of our leading politicians, bible time and a good breakfast constitute an excellent start to the week. YAY!

Wanderlust/Fernweh

Wanderlust: a very strong or irresistible impulse to travel
Fernweh: an ache for distance

I often have what can only be described as chronic wanderlust. Sometimes I get so desperate for space, distance, a new world or a new experience that I feel physically sick. For a long time I thought it was just a restlessness that needed to be stamped out of me. But recently I’ve come round to the idea that perhaps I’m just made to be a wanderer, a traveller. I guess it’s part of the reason why I want to study languages at university, there’s a quote from Schiller which says:

‘Die Grenze meine Sprache bedeutet die Grenze meine Welt’ The limits of my language are the limits of my world

I’m a true believer that in order to travel properly and to fully appreciate and experience everything that it entails, it’s important to be able to communicate in more than one language. As someone who has lived abroad and travelled a lot, I have seen the benefits of being multi-lingual - free ice-cream being one of them!

You could interpret the concept of a traveller slightly differently and call me a runaway or a coward. Maybe that has some truth in it. I’m also a day-dream addict, my head is never below the clouds and I am rarely fully present. Being in the moment, for me, feels like squeezing myself into a box when all I want to do is expand. So in someways I do want to ‘runaway’ from my life, even though there isn’t anything I should really want to get away from. Part of me wants to get away from voices and the pressure and responsibility that they seems to come from being in Bracknell. To settle, to create a home requires stamina, patience and responsibility. When I travel, particularly when I’m on my own, I have no agenda other than to get to my destination, I have no voices, no pressures…I can hear myself…I can hear God.

In this sense, my wanderlust might be a cry for help. A cry for intimacy with God. An open space reminds me of God’s greatness, a long stretch of road reminds me of life’s journey and standing alone on a busy street of a big city reminds me of our diversity and the beauty in humanity. I love the adventure that comes with travelling and the romantic connotations of a wanderer. Just the idea of gaining knowledge and experience, of meeting and communicating with an array of characters, engaging in their stories and entwining the strings of their hearts and lives with my own - it’s so exciting! In my mind God made this world in order that we might explore it, so I’m determined to see as much of it as I possibly can.

The restlessness is annoying though, especially when I can’t fulfill it. Tonight, for example, the desire for space and newness is so irrevocable that I find myself wandering aimlessly around my house, unable to focus on anything. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to connect myself with here or root myself to any relationship. I want to be free, I want to BREATHE!
Hopefully, one day, my fernweh will transform itself into heimweh and I will finally come home…I will finally belong.

The coffee shop blog.

I've wanted to write this blog for a long time but I've just never been in the mood. However, after a week of coffee disasters and espresso stress-busters, the typical Saturday 4 o'clock latte with my mother and as I sit here on my bed with a gin and tonic in hand...I find myself in the mood. So here it goes.

As I'm sure most of you are aware I am a huge fan of drinking coffee and I particularly like drinking coffee in coffee shops or buying take-out. I own loyalty cards for practically every caffeine establishment in Britain: Costa, Santa Fe, Esquires, Starbucks, Cafe Nero, Millie's Cookies, Pret a Manger...etc. etc. There are four which I visit regularly, them being Cafe Nero, Costa, Starbucks and Santa Fe. I drink different drinks at different places according to the strength of their espresso and the taste of their blend. I figured it was only fair of me to criticise and praise the places I visit regularly as I have a pretty good idea of their good AND bad points. However, I'm planning on checking out the others because I want to be where there is good coffee (that should totally be my slogan!)

Cafe Nero has never failed to impress. They say it's 'The best espresso this side of Milan' and there is definitely some truth in that. Their lattes are the only ones in the country that can even match up to the genius of Italian baristas. Their blend is quite strong and they always put two shots of espresso in for a latte, however if you prefer a weaker taste then you just need to ask them to omit the second shot. The loyalty card is also a bonus, because after 10 drinks you get one free - this is VERY useful. The atmosphere in Neros is also great, it feels sophisticated without being daunting. I often go here with my parents because they, like me, appreciate proper Italian-tasting coffee...and they pay for me.

I must confess that my attachment to Starbucks isn't directly related to the greatness of their coffee. No it's because at Starbucks I regularly experience what can only be described as the BEST customer service and I'm particularly partial to the colour green and their red christmas cups. My favourite store is the one just next to Hard Edge in Reading - the baristas are SO SO friendly. They gave me 100 free christmas cups for our school social, they offered me the chance to try a new drink for free when I wasn't sure what to order and they gave me a free coffee for trying their new VISTA product. The Starbucks card is also one of the best shop cards invented, if you register online you can free espresso shots and syrups, which means I can get a double-shot skinny latte for half the price. They also send me lots of free things in the post. For example, they gave me 50p of vouchers for everyday in January, 10 buy one get one free vouchers in February and a free sample of their VISTA product in March. Now, if you know well, you'll be aware of my obsession with free things. So Starbucks makes me very happy. There, if I want coffee, I'll have a skinny cappuccino or a skinny-double shot latte, this is because their coffee is relatively weak. However, when you can ACTUALLY taste it, it's pretty good. They also do the BEST novelty beverages, the ginger-bread latte at Christmas is a MUST and their frappuccinos ROCK THIS WORLD.

I think Costa is overrated. Ever since it opened Bracknell it's become our church hang-out, but the coffee isn't brilliant, the customer service is lame and the shop just ain't that pretty. I guess it's just unreliable, sometimes I'll have an excellent coffee and other times it's undrinkable. Now, considering I've never had an undrinkable coffee at any of the other establishments, I'm often keen to avoid going to costa altogether. Their frescatas are good...but again that's on a good day! If it's busy I'd say boycott it, because the Costa barristas don't produce good coffee when under pressure. Also, they've only JUST brought out a loyalty card with any benefits...saying that, I have yet to discover what this actually entails.

Sante Fe is one of my favourite coffee shops in Bracknell. It's really chilled and studenty - surrounded by books with a great view of the town centre (yes a view of Bracknell can be pretty sometimes! Particularly in the sunshine) It's also independent so I feel like I'm helping to support the local community etc. They have the bottomless coffee option - perfect for revision! They also have AMAZING mugs and their drinks are really reasonable. They also do YUMMY bagels, like seriously out-of-this-world! Again, their loyalty card is similar to Nero's so they make it worth your while.

And thus ends the coffee shop blog. I hope it was informative and that you won't go away after reading this and think I'm an absolute nutter (I realise the likelihood of this is actually...very likely!) My gin and tonic finished itself a looonnng time ago and between the Costa and Santa Fe paragraphs I squeezed in a quick film sesh with the old Ann-Harrod Clague: Sweet Home Alabama and a humiliating sit-through of South Hill Park's production of Wizard of Oz. Seriously, how is my face so WIDE and so PALE? It's like a FULL moon...a MOON face. Gaaahhh. Happy bank holiday people!