Theatre: it's bigger than myself.

I am fortunate enough to know a lot of talented people. My socialmedia news feeds are bursting with drama-school japes, west-end opportunities, up and coming musical writers, film-makers and much more. I love these people, I love their talent, I love their personalities and I love that every so often I get to do life with them. I am also never jealous of them: I see no need for jealousy because everyone is an individual, every voice is different, every interpretation is unique and therefore everyone has their own individual part to play. It is our duty as performers and artists to encourage each other no matter what our own circumstances are. 

However, sometimes I question my decisions, I wonder why on earth I'm stumbling around the continent, trying to be good at something I'm averagely good at,  when all I really want to do is learn the craft and get myself on stage. Yes I am working in theatres, but I am really observing more than I am participating. I wonder whether I'm wasting time, whether I'm good enough, whether it's actually possibile for me to pursue a career on stage. My impatience wraps me into a selfish sushi-like roll and I start panicking, I start doubting and I get so annoyed with myself for doing this degree that delays my plans.

Then I remember: my love for the theatre is bigger than myself. It has never been about fame or personal success, but rather a deep and genuine love for the art and its influences. The theatre has the power to teach, to empathise, to tickle, to inspire and to create a place where people can be themselves and express who they are. For me the theatre has never been about stars, but rather the joy of storytelling, of beautiful music, of rousing dance numbers, of imagination and different perspectives. This may sound pretentious, but things are only pretentious when they aren't genuine and these are my honest, heart-felt reflections.

Yes this year abroad has delayed the process of pursuing a career, but it has inspired me and shown me that the theatre really is a worldwide passion. I have seen young people of all ages commit themselves to the art of storytelling, I have seen productions that have surpassed anything I have seen on the West-end, I have met actors who are divas and actors who take their work beyond the rehearsals and performances to inspire the next generation, I see successful directors turn their focus to their local communities, who provide training for free and bring the local people together, I have seen how much effort goes into a production and how every single person counts. I love where I am in Italy because Mario brings theatre right back to it's roots, away from the complications of fame and reputation. Most of his actors are people from the local area, teachers, receptionist and teenagers who meet in the evening to learn and to put on humble, yet brilliant performances. His candid approach to theatre is incredibly successful and he manages to pull in some of Italy's most renowned directors to work on his plays. 

It's made realise that if theatre is just about me and my goals and my success, then it is not worth pursuing. But if theatre is about giving, if it's about sharing, collaborating and instilling an enthusiasm in others to engage with the world around them, then it is something I can dedicate my life to. I never want to lose my hope and belief in theatre's purpose and possibilities, if I do then there's the danger of giving into the character-compromising insecurity that festers in the underbelly of the industry. It must always be about community, it must always be about empathy, it must always involve hard-work and discipline and it must always come from a humble spirit.

Theatre was created by the people, for the people. It's more US than me. It's a direct discourse, direct connection, direct interaction between actor, director and audience. It's connection, it's relationship, each rely on the other for success and understanding. The theatre is bigger than myself - thank goodness!

The Lousy Intern

So I'm sat writing this in the dressing room of the theatre I'm interning for. That may sound glamorous, but this theatre is a black box attached to a primary school on the outskirts of Parma. It's got a very low-key, slightly bohemian vibe, where everyone does everything and there's a little cube shaped key that allows you to get whatever you want out of the vending machine - score! It's such a contrast to the Schauspielhaus where everything was huge and official and I spent most of my time in the office drinking tea and laughing with my boss. Here everything is an organised chaos. I only found out about the weekly happenings yesterday when I sat down in front of my boss (who's called Mario by the way and has such a jolly temperament!) with my diary open and used my hands to show that I meant business and needed to know what the hell I was doing there. It's a lot more hands on and I will be spending most of my time doing workshops, watching rehearsals and perhaps even performing and joining in with the theatre school lessons. So far I'm really enjoying it: I love the atmosphere, the people are so friendly and I feel like I'm going to learn not only lots of Italian but expand my theatre knowledge at the same time.

 However, I feel pretty useless. I have so much I want to give to this internship, I want to do the best possible job, contribute and participate as much as I can, as well as hopefully making some new friends and yet I'm hindered so much by my lack of Italian. When they ask me to do things I just stand there and look bewildered until they've repeated themselves into exhaustion, when I sit and watch performances and rehearsals and they ask for my opinion I have so much to say and yet I stumble clumsily over my words and am unable to say what I want to say in the way I want to say it. It's so annoying because it limits what I can do. For example, the theatre school are currently having a diction lesson and I really want to join in, but I have no idea whether I can and even if I could I can't understand most of what she is saying. There's a lot of talent here and I've already been very inspired by what I've seen. I learnt so much about acting from watching Mario direct one Brecht rehearsal- it was incredible! I'm just so fed up (already!) of being the mute English girl who sits in the corner and smiles to look friendly. I want to join in and stop feeling lousy and be able to interact and question and perform! I'm so ready to DO something and not have time to sit blogging and take pictures of myself in the mirror. Waaaaaah.

It's All Over

Today was the final day of my internship. It felt pretty poignant: I really love the people I work with and have had so much fun working in the theatre, but I think I'm ready for a new adventure now. I'm getting itchy feet.

These 4 months have been pretty life-shaping. I have gained a huge respect for the work that goes on behind the scenes of an arts institution, I have acquired a greater understanding of the pros and cons of the German theatre system (the concept of an secure ensemble, state funding that allows the theatre to take huge risks, however not all these risks are particularly audience friendly and hardly ANY young people go to the theatre). I have also met some very special friends and have become acquainted with the work of Falk Richter (my new theatrical hero) I have been inspired to write, had the chance to work with some awesome young people and have had the chance to observe and reflect on the rehearsal process. However, the thing that has struck most of all is that simply working in a theatre environment is not enough for me, it doesn't satisfy the longings in my heart. I need to perform, I need to act, I need to create.

It's made me realise that I need to be brave, that I need to pursue this dream of mine to the end of its course, wherever that may be. It's made me insatiably hungry to learn, I want to study the craft and explore the theories until I can become the best actress I can be. I want to practice empathy and understand people better so that what I produce on stage is real and honest and true. The prospect of auditioning for drama school next year is become a bit of a 'no brainer' for me now and I refuse to be timid about it and try to justify it to people who don't believe in me. I'm going to work really hard and I'm going to try and try and try until my heart tells me to stop.

Like all good things, this internship has come to an end and like all life-shaping things its going to take a while before the impact of this experience will truly start to sink in. One thing I can say with absolute certainty is that I am so glad that I took a leap of faith and tried to find work in the theatre for my year abroad. Linguistically it's been an absolute treat, I have met lots German people and watched German plays and written German emails. However, the year abroad was always going to be more than just language learning for me, it was also about meeting life-long friends, knowing myself better and gaining a greater awareness of other cultures. The theatre is also a centre of culture and it was actually a German theatre workshop at the Oxford University open day that inspired me to study German in the first place. So it felt like a nice, round, completed circle. 

Another thing that I'm pleased about is that, despite my internship being over, I still have one more month left in Germany. I think I'm finally learning to slow things down a bit and not just leap frog exhaustedly from one huge life-change to the next. I intend to travel, to write my essay and to spend time with my new-found friends before jetting off to Italy at the the start of February. I'm hoping that not working full time will really give me the space to focus on my German and make the most of the cultural hot-pot that permeates this country. I've already planned a week long trip to Berlin and intend to spend the rest of my time in cafes reading or at the cinema with friends.

This afternoon my boss and I pushed aside the paperwork, donned red elf hats, decorated one of the plants so it looked like a Christmas tree, drank the Canteen's sparkling wine in white china mugs and played darts to various German tunes. I don't think I've ever had a more bizzarre, hilarious, fun and challenging four months. My boss was an absolute legend, the rest of the staff were so welcoming and kind and the rest of the interns are now some of my closest friends. I'm hoping to reflect more on the whole experience when I'm at home in England, because right now I'm just about ready to drop. This was a bit of a ramble, but I couldn't let this day just pass me by without taking time to reflect on its significance. 

The Keen Enthusiast Part 2

Another completely random opportunity is the chance to be an extra in a production by a German 80s punk rock star. He's a nice guy, but I've never heard of him, nor has anyone else in the cast. The plan is more like an art installation that explores the theme of broadcasting and that's about as far as my comprehension allows me to go. It's all a bit random. 

The first rehearsal was spent walking around the stage playing with the set, accompanied by demure cello music and then the rest were just concept discussions, which I struggled to pay attention to. I'm not sure whether the language barrier has made this whole production seem like a pick n mix of random crap, but as far as I can gather the production includes: morph suits, a skater film with a cartoon duck as its protagonist, flash mobs, ghetto blasters and lots of 70s/80s prints. As for what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm still not exactly sure. I know that I'm wearing a chequered yellow dress that only just fits over my chest and makes me look like a bad cross between Jessica Rabbit and Jessica Day and that the best thing to do is to follow Franziska around the stage and do whatever she says. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN!? If this production is one thing, it is certainly flexible. I'm honestly waiting for the moment when he tells us to strip naked and do a barn dance. Nevertheless, I'm sure there's something incredibly innovative that I'm just not quite getting and perhaps I'm part of something incredible...

Regardless of its avant-garde nature, I'm still there, on the stage volunteering. Who else can say that they spent their year abroad treading the boards, albeit as an extra, but still, it's a great way to make friends and some hilarious memories, no?

A Fortnight of Show Biz

Pre-show ritual: make-up, eyebrow tweeze and a mouthful of honey

I've been trying to write this blog post for a couple of days now, but I've been struggling to find the right words to adequately describe a fortnight with the National Youth Music Theatre. I guess I could describe it as a microcosm for reality, which seems appropriate for a bunch of aspiring actors and  fitting to the lessons learned over an intense couple of weeks. All pretentiousness aside the NYMT experience is a hugely fun and doubly challenging test of character, community and talent. 

       A handful of the gorgeous individuals in the cast.

It's a test of character because you are thrown into a group of talented and determined individuals who all want the same things that you do. There is such potential for insecurity, lack of self-belief and mass of self-doubt. During the early days of rehearsals you start to consolidate both your personality on stage and off-stage. It's always important to remember that you will never perform or interpret something the same way as the person next to you: you are using your emotions, your face, your body to present a concept or a story to the audience. It's one of the reasons why I find it so addictive. It's an opportunity to exercise your own reactions to circumstances that you may never get the chance to experience or to experiment with different responses to situations that you have been through many times. What was so wonderful about this cast was how we were such a pick and mix of characters, looks and sizes. It was so interesting and so beautiful to watch how all the stunning pieces of the theatrical jigsaw came together. 

                        

Look how crazy ballet this is!?

The community element of theatre is another reason why it's so special. NYMT is no exception, not only were we working out from 7am and rehearsing from 9am-9pm together, we were also sharing rooms, kitchens, mealtimes, bathrooms, walks to the theatre and energy drinks. Relationships and formed quickly and intensely and by the end of the fortnight a new family is created with the surname of Musical Theatre. You love them with your whole heart because they encouraged you, because they inspire you with their gift, because they helped you to create something worthwhile and exciting. Cast bonding is always something extraordinary: you may not keep in touch on a regular basis but you share such wonderful memories and strong sense of achievement that keeps you tied together for the rest of your life. Whenever I see someone I worked with on a show, my heart literally bursts with happiness.

Nothing says community quite like human pyramids and copious amounts of energy drinks.

Talent seems the most obvious challenge for the National Youth Music Theatre not because it lacks it, but because it endeavours to nurture it. After one week of intense rehearsals and another week of equally intense performances, you can't help but feel that your talent has been pummelled, then stretched and then put lovingly on display for all to see. It's terrifying, sometimes confidence destroying but ultimately rewarding. 

I leave this sub-chapter of my life feeling incredibly blessed with lessons, memories and gorgeous new friends. Thank you to all who bought singing telegrams and generously donated money to help me get this far and also to the handful of people who encouraged me to audition in the first place. 

Lovely cards and flowers on my dressing-table - made me feel like a broadway star!

Singing Telegrams

Alrigght folks! Many of you will know that I have been lucky enough to bag myself a place in the National Youth Music Theatre Company for 2012. It's all very exciting and I get the wonderful opportunity to perform in Songs For a New World by Jason Robert Brown at the Bridewell Theatre, London in August. In order to do the course I need earn some monies (roughly £1,000) to pay for accommodation, training costs etc. so I will be offering singing telegrams to try and get me some dollar.

Unfortunately, I can only really offer them to Bristol and Bracknell residents as I will be rushing from telegram to telegram on my beloved bicycle, but maybe if someone invents bike wings I might be able to go further afield. 

BUT what is a singing telegram you say? 
Well, its basically a musical message delivered by me from you. Just email me the place, the time and the song and I will hop on my bike and deliver it in STYLE. It is first come first serve, so if I am unable to do your time I will email you back and try to arrange another one.

I'm really looking forward to making a massive fool out of myself so please be adventurous!!


Telegrams cost £5 each, which you can donate by pressing the button below. 

                  

Bristol Dates: 11th-15th June

Bracknell Dates: 25th June-6th July

My Email: ellie.faith.jackson@googlemail.com

YOU are all wonderful, wonderful people - please 

let me sing for you!