This morning my bible itself up on page 480 and literally shoved this verse in my face:
Daughters of Jerusalem. I charge you by the the gazelles and the does of the filed: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires Song of Songs 3:5
It convicts me right to my core. only a couple of months ago did I write a blog entitled Fearless Singleness about how I was determined to not be afraid of my singleness, to enjoy being unattached and to trust that God has the answer to it in his ultimate plan for my life.
When I wrote that blog I had just completed my 2nd and final year at an all girls' grammar school and was looking to spend my Summer enjoying the company of my school friends and my church; both groups holding no potential 'romance'. Thus, it was pretty easy to be content.
As I write this I am faced with a very different and, in my opinion, more complicated challenge. I am in a place full of very eligible intelligent young men who enjoy learning, reading, films, Gilmore Girls, theatre, music and wear boots and loafers. I am meeting new people everyday and my friends are all free to pair off or have the occasional fling with someone. I know deep in my heart that I am not in the right place for a relationships, in fact, I am pretty sure I don't want anything of that sort at this time (first singleness rule achieved -woop!) However, I know I want one eventually and for some reason, in the back of my mind, I sense a metaphorical find-your-partner clock ticking incessantly. It's stupid and incredibly pathetic. I'm looking at all these lovely men, some who share my faith and some who don't, and panicking because a) in my mind we'd be compatible, even though they're not a christian, so why shouldn't I just go for it (EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT ANYTHING NOW!) and b) there's this assumption that you should meet your spouse at university and I don't want to be left behind.
Yet this verse brings it all home. It sets the standards I have for myself and should, theoretically, set the guidelines for my behaviour. The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing. If I'm not READY for the RIGHT relationship then the whole thing will inevitably fall flat on its face and I'll end up losing something previous, something worthwhile. Dwelling on the things I want in a relationships arouse my desire to search for love and awaken feelings for people that should probably never have existed. It also distracts me from the opportunities my singleness provides to become the most studious student, the best friend and the most dedicated performer I can be. If it's God's will for me to be married then I shall certainly have plenty of time in my life set aside for love and romance, and whilst this whole prospect excites me so much, I know that right now is the time for me to develop myself as a person and enjoy the freedom singleness brings.
Lately I have been dealing with the same thing: trying to enjoy singleness and not constantly thinking about who I might marry. Needing some assurance in this I google searched for songs on singleness and the 2nd result was this blog entry! This was exactly what I needed! And of course seeking for more I read your other entry and couldn't believe how much alike our situation is! I would absolutely love to get married and have kids but lately I have been bombarded with the idea of being content with singleness, and like you, what I would like to do with my life would probably be easiest if I were single, unfortunately! Anyway, I just thought it was awesome to find someone going through the same thing as I am! Thanks for posting this!
ReplyDeleteso, after reading your blog and reaching rachel's comment ON your blog.. I've come to the terms that I am in awe of God. He directly pushed this verse on me as well, right even in THE moment where I was trying to captivate a boy's attention.
ReplyDeleteI went across the world to England and to Israel to figure out that yes, Jesus wants me.. all of me, and yes, its not about being single.. its about being "taken". Jesus doesn't want us to be single, he wants us to be with Him.. that is very different than being alone :)