Cloudy Days, Memories and a Mitch Albom Quote

Today was cold. Gone is the warm glow of the sun as it shines through the orange filter of leaves, tonight there will be no rosy rays on the windows of the posh houses in Clifton, instead there is a fresh, grey air that will happily nip at your fingertips and make you miss your winter coat. Yet Bristol manages to maintain its charm. There is a house down the road that has the most beautiful fairy-lights draped across the guttering and all the little cafes and bistros around Clifton Village look so warm and cosy that it makes me look forward to the weekend when I can officially afford to buy myself a coffee and sit in a huge armchair by a window and engage in some people-watching. When the sky is grey the leaves stand-out so that in spite of the cloud there is still masses of colour and that sweet, dirty smell of fallen leaves on the ground. I love it.

But today I can't help feeling desperately sad. It's been three months since Annie's death and it's starting to dawn on me that perhaps grief doesn't get any easier, just manageable. You get used to the occasional jolt in your heart every time something reminds you of her and the long dull ache that lines your insides when you'd give anything for one conversation, a piece of advice, a laugh, a new photo, another memory. I miss the familiarity and comfort of our friendship particularly being in a place that, despite it's beauty and homeyness, is still unfamiliar. I was listening to a T.D Jakes talk a couple of weeks ago and he said that if you have two or more close, soul-bearing relationships in your life then you are a very rich person. I'm realising more and more how incredibly lucky I was to have had such a confidant in Annie. Some people go their whole lives without experiencing friendship on such a magnificent level. Another quote I found whilst browsing through Tumblr Tuesdays was a quote by one of my favourite authors Mitch Albom and he says: ' Death ends a life not a relationship' This is so true. Whilst Annie may not be a physical presence in my life, her spirit is. Even now she inspires me and gives me hope in my future and the future of others. She challenges me to build friendships like the one we shared. I know that our relationship is eternal and will continue when I finally get myself to heaven. Until then I will have to stumble through this journey of grief, allowing myself time to cry and reflect without wallowing or stalling in the sadness, but continuing to learn and grow in order to become an Ellie she'd be proud of.