Ellie Speaks...

'I am exempt from precipitation!' I shouted this afternoon as I walked out of the school gate with my friend Fiona in the pouring rain. My exclamation relates to the precipitation from the sky, but more importantly to the precipitation that has, as of this week, been pouring incessantly down my face. Tears are funny things, they can be humiliating, heart-wrenching whilst simultaneously releasing, particularly when combined with rain. I am certainly not exempt from precipitation at all, it would seem like the weather has been playing a bit of pathetic fallacy this week because it has rained non-stop since Sunday afternoon. I like to think that the weather is alining itself with my emotions, it's heart beating and sobbing along with my own.

Crying isn't a particularly regular activity of mine, although I have experienced a wide range of tear-circumstances. I've cried in physical pain, I cry when I look in the mirror and find the reflection displeasing, I cry when I'm stressed out and tired, I've cried because I thought my Mum was going to die, I cried when my dream of going to Cambridge was crushed by my rejection letter and in recent years I have cried because someone broke my heart. The latter circumstance is the one I find the most difficult, because the person you initially want to run to for comfort is no longer there, they are no longer interested, no longer the person who was in love with you. Sometimes, they are the person who never loved you and will never know that you loved them. It's that moment when your precious, vulnerable heart that you gave in confidence and sometimes in anticipation, is thrown at your feet and they tell you that it isn't the right fit, or it isn't good enough. That awful sense of emptiness. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships either, sometimes platonic relationships can have the same effect.

This week my tears are my soul screaming for love, affection, clarity and energy. My emotions seem to be all over the place and I'm sure my school friends are convinced that I'm on the brink of insanity. I am just so tired, not just physically, but emotionally. I feel as though I have nothing else to give that my body and mind have been drained of all their substance. I am desperate for renewed purpose and fulfilled promises. In the meantime I just want to curl up in the embrace of my incredible friends and the love of my saviour. A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss either!