Oh Keg! I'm a control freak.

I've come out of the control-freak closet. I admit that I have a problem and I'm willing, if not determined to face it head-on. Too long have I been deceiving myself and others into thinking that I am a laid-back, chilled sort of gal and I want to thank those supportive girls in the sixth-form common room who have helped me to recognise this fatal, dangerous, life-ruining flaw of mine.

It all started in September with this whole uni-decide-the-rest-of-your-life-right-now kinda business. I love this sort of thing, because I love planning the future - sometimes I spend too long planning the future! Anyways, the initial stages were fine, because I, Ellie Jackson was in control. I had the final say in where I applied to and for what course. Then, once it was sent off I suddenly realised that a) I was leaving my precious, oh-so-carefully-planned future in the hands of a computer (aka. UCAS) - This was not a comforting thought! and b) I really didn't want to take a gap-year, what the hell was I thinking applying deferred!? (Fiona's response: "Ellie, you were just so damn convincing! What was I supposed to do?) suddenly this beautiful plan of mine was left hanging like a pinata ready to be beaten into smithereens or to left hanging, a useless decoration, full of sweet potential. Then it wasn't just my future, suddenly I have no control over what I eat - it has to be gluten free. I am limited.

Soon, it got worse. As I felt the control of my destiny slip through my carefully clenched fist, I needed to rant, I needed to wallow in my own stupid self-pitying state of helplessness with my friends - close friends, you know the ones that just get you. But no, they were no where to be found because they've all GONE. Away, far, far away on their own mega-fantastic adventures. Or just generally away. Now I felt as if I had lost control of my friendships and I immediately started grieving for those friendships that had already drifted and those that were about to drift thanks to distance and other awkward, uncomfortable circumstances. Get a grip you're probably thinking right? Well, I'll get to that part eventually. I suddenly discovered the true meaning of seasonal friendships and I've had a lot of these. There are friendships, however great, however brilliant, that are just not meant to last beyond a certain point. Then there are those friendships, where distance doesn't seem to matter, we might not contact each other for years and then one summer we see each other again and it's like time stood still. Ultimately, I love both kinds because they bring different dynamics to my already insane, crazy existence. More importantly, I know they are God-given and that he alone has the final say in how these relationships end and develop.

This brings me to my next point. How did I "get over" myself? Quite simply I turned to God. It was a tough lesson, because a lot of the time I like to do things on my own, I like to think I'm giving God a break, you know so he can focus on the people who are really desperate. Thing is, I'm always really desperate. I've always known that God has this incredible future for me, but sometimes I just don't trust that he's got it right - it's so completely stupid, because I know that I will only feel truly happy if I'm doing what God wants. My security must cease to be rooted in my own ability and success. So what if my future is all up in the air? Surely that's the most exciting place to be? So what if friendships I've relied upon are changing, disappearing before my eyes. I have a relationship with the living God and he is constant. Instead of being afraid, instead of freaking out about not having control, instead of running away from things I'm too ashamed, too weak to face-up to, I look forward to the most incredible, exciting future. Maybe it won't end up like I've planned, maybe I'll end up working in Starbucks New York for year, maybe I'll got to Leeds, maybe I'll be the next Dorothy on the West-End either way, I intend to be awesome, I intend to trust God completely. I know I'll never be without those relationships that really matter and yeah, I'll be sad and devastated to lose the others but that's what Gilmore Girls is for - it provides shallow, sometimes deep, always witty happiness, served in cute, sugary small-town America. Be patient with me, letting go is hard and I've only just started getting used to it!


  1. The moral I glean from this is: Gilmore Girls solves everything.

  2. And God! Don't forget God Fiona. Jeez.

  3. Now I feel bad for being one of those friends that has gone away!
    But Ellie, me dear, you aint getting rid of me that easily. I'm gonna keep popping back into your life whether you like it or not!

    I loved this blog though!