There is a lot to talk about, but I have yet to put it into words. Just know that on Friday I snapped and on Saturday I ran. Now I am free-falling into the glorious unknown. As I sit here sipping coffee in this small Santa Fe bubble of my hometown, my decision to leave is sitting right and peaceful in my chest. It was one of those things, like choosing between creamy mash and spicy rice at Nandos, as soon as you settle on one option, you become aware of the one that you REALLY want. So I discovered that I REALLY wanted to dedicate my academic focus and thus the rest of my year abroad to German, rather than struggling along with two languages. I was unhappy, bored and anxious, a flailing mess of emotions and fears. I was wasting my time, my energies and myself on something that I wasn't enjoying and wasn't necessary. As my friend Fiona said:
Life isn't just about surviving things...
My relationship with Italy is far from over and I look forward to returning without the pressures of an academic degree biting at my heels. In the meantime I am dreaming and aching for Germany, for the culture and the people that have won my heart and for a place where I feel completely at home with myself. I love that the end of this week hangs suspended, it has no certainty and it has no precise direction. I am living in the tension of faith and reality, which feels incredible. To every person who kept me company, wrote me emails and sent me wisdom, thank you. It's time to rebuild, it's time to rediscover and it's time to prepare for another adventure.
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