Doubt

So here's my confession: I doubt. Sometimes I doubt so much that my heart feels like it's being swallowed by a gigantic fish. I am terrified of being a souless, purposeless being, whose heart beats at regular intervals and whose life is controlled by the primitive desires of my anatomy.

When I doubt I feel like a failure, I fell like I've been lying to myself and to everyone else around me. Sometimes I'll read God's word and all I see are black and white letters on a flimsy page. Sometimes when I pray and seek God's voice, there is nothing but a wall of deafening silence.

But here's the thing: faith is a choice. What's more, we need faith and doubt to work hand in hand. As John Ortberg says:

I must have truth. therefore I doubt.
I must have hope. Therefore I believe.

Doubting stops us from being deluded and faith stops us from living in despair. If I didn't doubt, then I would have no reason to delve into the solid, factual truths of my faith.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself how God works. After every spout of terrifying doubting, I always arrive back at this conclusion: people who live with Jesus at the centre of their lives (this is not all Christians!!!) live with more purpose, love with more conviction and act with more humility. The lifestyle of people of faith is always, always more appealing to me. Ultimately, I decide that I would rather live my life like their was a God and find out there isn't, than to live my life like their wasn't a God and find out that there is.

Apologies for the changing of fonts - blogger hates me today