I write this sitting at Annie's old desk surrounded by flower shaped rubbers and the fuzzy balls, feathers and shredded paper we used to make Easter nests one Thursday afternoon. Brooke Fraser is singing sweetly in my ear and my bible is open. The tears I have been waiting for are finally rolling down my face and even though my body is shaking with their impact I have a wonderful peace. Despite the heartache, despite my absolute dread and fear of the future I have an unbelievable hope.

The past few days have been bizarre. I have wrestled with disgust at my own selfishness. How dare I be precious about Annie's life and friendship, how dare I be irritated by people who are hysterically crying who didn't know her HALF as well as I did. I've felt so guilty for wanting to sing at her funeral in case I'm doing it for myself and not for anyone else, I've even been doubting the depth and intimacy of my relationship with her. But God has been so faithful.

On Friday Alice, one of Annie's friends from FP who was in the car with her on Wednesday, sent me an email. She told me about a conversation she and Annie had had aboutme on the way down to Wales. She encouraged me, reminding me that Annie loved and was so proud of me. I am so grateful to Alice for those precious words, the words I may never have heard, the sentiments I might never have known. Then this afternoon as I spoke to the beautiful Laura over Skype she reminded me that Annie had asked me to sing at her wedding, so really I have no choice but to prepare something for her funeral; it's what she would have wanted.

With this in mind, I turned to Annie's favourite artisit, Brooke Fraser, for inspiration and have found the perfect song. It's the song she provided for my 'Friend playlist'* she intended for this song to remind me of her. I'm still not sure whether it will be possible for me at the celebration, but if it is, I'm totally going to do it. The song also reflects my current emotional state, in fact I have just spent half an hour singing it over and over again to God in the church office corridor. The chorus is particularly relevant:

Have your way here,
keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you,
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a life line

The lord IS my lifeline and I am on my knees begging him to have his way in this situation. I still wish she was here, but I am already witnessing the incredible impact her life is having on our community. This morning a man came up to me with a picture God had given him of a drop of water falling, splashing and creating an endless amount of ripples. THAT is Annie and her death is initiating ripples of change and transformation in people. I have such a strong sense of God with his arm around her as they look down on our church praying, grieving worshipping, as people come to know the Truth, as relationships are rebuilt, as people are reignited with the passion they had previously been lacking. My God is good and through this tragedy he will be glorified.

* The 'Friend' playlist. Basically I got all my friends to send me one song, either their favourite song, or a song that reminded them of our friendship and I put them all onto one playlist.

1 comment :

  1. Love you, little sister. All you write is real and true. I love just that ripple effect. What a girl she was, what a girl you are. Love you so very much xxx