A Week With Myself


Sometimes expressing yourself is exhausting and evasive. It's like feeling naked with cold whilst waiting for a train, or asking someone for loo-roll when you realise too late that your chosen cubicle has none. It's like the end of a long day, when the world seems to get slower and slower until it stops altogether with a fall into sleep. It's like taking a night train across the continent, lugging your life in cumbersome bags behind you. It's like crying on public transport, it's like watching your friend share your secret, it's like seeing a film or reading a book that reflects your life in that moment exactly.  Occasionally the risk is worth it, like the loo roll example, other times we just want to curl up cosily with our thoughts and ponder on their significance. 

This week has been about just that: me and my cosy thoughts. Except they're not all cosy, most of them are as energetic and frantic as meerkats. However, I made time to just sit and watch and understand. I took a break from participating to be the wallflower who sits silently for five hours on the coach without checking her phone, allowing inspiration to come and settle again. I have sat at my piano and remembered what it felt like to play and I took a spontaneous trip to the theatre, because I needed the escape. I have spoken to the right friends and turned my energies to others, when I recalled that it is more blessed to give than receive.

As for the next step, there have been many quick hatching developments that will most probably be confirmed in the next couple of days. Happy is the wrong word, I feel right in a shaky sort of way, like I'll be ready to run again soon. There is still that itch of wanderlust, still a desire for something foreign, something bigger than myself.  

I'm still me just without an obvious direction. Standing in the road,
deciding where to go. I like it, I do. It's just not what I'm used to.

1 comment :

  1. "I feel right in a shaky sort of way, like I'll be ready to run again soon. There is still that itch of wanderlust, still a desire for something foreign, something bigger than myself."

    This is why we are friends. You are so, so, strong and find power in your uncertainty. I admire you very much and I have no doubt everything will go swimmingly.

    I also still love those photographs.

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