La France, Ma France

So it's the last day of our holiday and as always with Jackson family holidays we seem to have outdone ourselves on the faffing front. My mother, understandably, uses her disability as an excuse but my father has only his puppy-like devotion and his fear of incontenence to blame. We seem to take FOREVER to do anything, it takes us 10 minutes to decide on a parking place and a couple of strolls up and down the street before deciding on a coffee shop. I mean who else manages to spend two hours in Decathlon debating the neccessity of a water polo ball, running sunglasses and a walking fleece (LOL, sorry to disappoint but the items of clothing weren't exercising themselves, rather they are items of clothing for running and for walking) and then a further two hours in Carrefour deciding whether we should buy budget or branded fromage frais!?

Don't get me wrong it's been a right hoot, us kids have made our marathon-running Dad proud by joining him on his morning run in our brand new running t-shirts (from Decathlon) plugged into our music whilst the locals stare at us in disbelief. My mother's british identity has disappeared before our eyes and been replaced by a french one, ever the extrovert she has managed to get us invited out twice in the space of a week. I have also loved spending time with my awesome, rather grown-up, brothers. Sam and i have had monumentous discussions about musical theatre and he has subsequently decided to become and opera singer...AND a rockstar. He has spent most of the time on a little balcony with his guitar serenading the villagers playing petanque below - much to Ben's disgust, but we both admit that he's sounding incredible - our own little Jason Maraz. The other evening Sam and I went up to the church on top of the hill to geta view of the village at night and it was BEEAAAAUTIful. Then as we were descending we heard Mambo no.5 playing in the square and naturally, being the extrovert performers of our family, we took the dance floor by storm witho ur crazy moves. Again, the locals must wonder what we're smoking.

Ben has been incredibly vocal this holiay even volunteering his out-of-tune rendition of 'Secret Ambition' by Michael W Smith. BLESS. On the way down he insisted that in the car we must speak German, mainly to alienate and annoy Sam but also so no one would point our how non-existent his french is - even the prospect of having to say 'non' 'merci' and 'oui' makes him break out in a cold sweat. Both boys have been throwing themselves off rocks, working the old walrus snorkel look (until Sam lost the thing in the sea - twit) and playing table tennis at such an excrutiating volume I've been tempted to hurl one of grandma's antique pots at their heads.

As for me, this holiday has been a rollercoaster but thankfully I've had my family to reveal the darkly funny side of my situation. This morning we drove to Tauchon to find a pharmacy and buy eyedrops. I've had the most horrendous eye boogies and Mum was desperate to find something would declog my retina from pllen and uncried tears - the results of the purchase are pending.

Sleep has also been scarce partly due to the heavy, moaning wind that rattles the shutters and makes the doors creak so violently it's impossible not to be woken up by them, but also my incredibly noisy thoughts. Despite being frustrating it has done wonders from my education - I knew the one minute Russian podcasts from Radiolingua would come in handy at some point! my parents have threatend to eject me from the car if they hear 'I can speak a little russian' (in russian) one more time. I've also had the opportunity to read and write. I seem to be devouring books like I've been on a literary fast for the past year or so. Thus, due to lack of sleep, I am now bloated with characters, narratives and random, but potentially useful, russian phrases.

I have also become physically bloated as a result of my rekindled love affair with sparkling water (I like most types, but am particularly fond of Pellagrino, but when one's father is a charity worker one cannot be fussy) But perhaps that is too much information for a blog. Meh. Whatever.

I am beginning to fall in love with France, to be honest, I'm not quite sure why I had such beef with it in the first place. Paziols in particular has captured my heart. The air is so fragrant and colours are their proper full shades. I love the view of the unfolding countryside with it's pop-up mountains and spiky vineyards. I love the way the houses in the old town lean towards each other like the roofs are trying to kiss and how on windy nights as your run through the tiny streets it feels like they might cave in on you. I love the stray alley cats and the age of the buildings, I love how, as Ben said, it wouldn't seem out of place for someone to throw a bucket of pee out of the window (it sounds disgusting but trust me it's weirdly charming) I love jogging through the vines first thing int he morning on the way to the river for an early swim. I love returning sundried and content to the cafe de sports with my book and my parents for a cafe au lait kindly sloshed into sophisticated cups accompanied by colourful, international cubes of sugar. I love how everyone in the village seems to know my grandmother and have probably drunk wine and danced with my grandfather (despite having a house in France his french is limited to 'formidable' and 'plus de vin) I love being invited for meals in the evening and greeting people with a kiss. I love the little square created for poeple to dance in and how often it's used. Most of all, I love how much like home it feels how comfortable and proper it seems for me to feel ownership and pride, for me to want to speak french and be part of the community. J'aime la France, parce que c'est ma France.

Today it hurts

I'm still so scared. The future without her is unbearable. On my wedding day I know I'll be missing a bridesmaid, my daughters will be lacking a role model. Uni, graduation, dreams becoming reality - she won't be there. She won't be able to squeeze my hand, I won't be able to wrap my arms around her tiny, weeny frame and give her a massive hug. No 'Good Luck' text, no 'I love you' no ' YAAAYY' no squeals of delight, no'ahhhs' no silly baby chatter, no afternoons in Starbucks knitting, no days spent behind sewing machines attempting to be the next Laura Ashley, no dinner parties.

Her skin will never age, we won't compare wrinkles or crows feet, I'll never meet her husband and she'll never give her opinion on mine. Who will I complain about my Dry Lips to? No one to text late into the night, no one to buy lame tourist tshirts for.

If I put her photo on my fridge there'll come a time when I will have outgrown her and so will my children and perhaps my grandchildren. I'll look at that cheeky, happy face and see the countenance of a girl, barely a woman. What happens when I can no longer identify with her? What happens when her voice stops yapping incessantly in my head? What happens when I outgrow florals and have to choose more sophisticated items of clothing? What happens when the bodyshop give me another hideous makeover and I end up walking around looking like a clown because she's not there to tell me it looks awful and provide babywipes. What happens when people are difficult and I miss her and God feels distant? Who do I turn to?

When will her laugh merge with and eventually be replaced by another? Is it possible for me to wakeup from this awful, extended nightmare? Why can't I rush to her? Why won't she reply to my texts? Why can't I walk into reception and see her spinning around on the swivel chair? Why can't I tell her, just once more, how much I love her, how precious she is to me?

I want her to show me her cute, dirty feet with her weird little toes, I want to laugh at the state of her room, the size of her wardrobe, the empty bottles of alcohol in the corner, the old pictures of us in our 'God's Gurlies' hoodies (I want to tease her for spelling girlies wrong!) I want her to be a physical presence in my life, I want her to have more time, more opportunities. I hate that she is frozen in time as a nineteen-year old girl.

Yet her spirit lives on and when I worship God, I know she is doing the same. I know she is singing at the top of her lungs to the Hillsong classics, everything she is she has surrendered, her hands raised in adoration. I know that when I worship I will feel connected to her once more.

Lifeline

I write this sitting at Annie's old desk surrounded by flower shaped rubbers and the fuzzy balls, feathers and shredded paper we used to make Easter nests one Thursday afternoon. Brooke Fraser is singing sweetly in my ear and my bible is open. The tears I have been waiting for are finally rolling down my face and even though my body is shaking with their impact I have a wonderful peace. Despite the heartache, despite my absolute dread and fear of the future I have an unbelievable hope.

The past few days have been bizarre. I have wrestled with disgust at my own selfishness. How dare I be precious about Annie's life and friendship, how dare I be irritated by people who are hysterically crying who didn't know her HALF as well as I did. I've felt so guilty for wanting to sing at her funeral in case I'm doing it for myself and not for anyone else, I've even been doubting the depth and intimacy of my relationship with her. But God has been so faithful.

On Friday Alice, one of Annie's friends from FP who was in the car with her on Wednesday, sent me an email. She told me about a conversation she and Annie had had aboutme on the way down to Wales. She encouraged me, reminding me that Annie loved and was so proud of me. I am so grateful to Alice for those precious words, the words I may never have heard, the sentiments I might never have known. Then this afternoon as I spoke to the beautiful Laura over Skype she reminded me that Annie had asked me to sing at her wedding, so really I have no choice but to prepare something for her funeral; it's what she would have wanted.

With this in mind, I turned to Annie's favourite artisit, Brooke Fraser, for inspiration and have found the perfect song. It's the song she provided for my 'Friend playlist'* she intended for this song to remind me of her. I'm still not sure whether it will be possible for me at the celebration, but if it is, I'm totally going to do it. The song also reflects my current emotional state, in fact I have just spent half an hour singing it over and over again to God in the church office corridor. The chorus is particularly relevant:

Have your way here,
keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you,
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a life line

The lord IS my lifeline and I am on my knees begging him to have his way in this situation. I still wish she was here, but I am already witnessing the incredible impact her life is having on our community. This morning a man came up to me with a picture God had given him of a drop of water falling, splashing and creating an endless amount of ripples. THAT is Annie and her death is initiating ripples of change and transformation in people. I have such a strong sense of God with his arm around her as they look down on our church praying, grieving worshipping, as people come to know the Truth, as relationships are rebuilt, as people are reignited with the passion they had previously been lacking. My God is good and through this tragedy he will be glorified.



* The 'Friend' playlist. Basically I got all my friends to send me one song, either their favourite song, or a song that reminded them of our friendship and I put them all onto one playlist.


Grief


This morning I got up and unintentionally dressed all in black. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and felt nothing. I saw that my attire screamed mourning, my face was emotionless and my eyes were sleepless and empty. It was my head and not my heart that began to rummage frantically through my cardigan drawer for something colourful, something she would have loved. I want coffee, I need sleep, I feel sick.

The words 'Annie died in the car-crash' are looping like a broken record in my head, flashing in front of my eyes and taking my breath away.It just doesn't seem real. As soon as the words left my father's mouth I felt such a pang of anguish, I wanted to tear my clothes and just crumple to the ground. I wanted to pick up my phone and see a text from her, something hilarious, one of her many amazing one-liners just a sign that what I had just heard wasn't true.

Angharad Clague was, no, IS my best friend. The word love doesn't even come close to what I feel for her. She has had such an impact on my life and I know that our hearts are linked for eternity. I have had a text from her everyday for four years, I have not gone a day without speaking to her. We baked cakes, sometimes they looked like wonky boobs, sometimes they rivalled Nigela. We sang very loudly to cheesy christian pop like Michael W Smith and Jump 5, we drank McDonalds dry of watered down coke, we spent a ridiculous amount of time browsing Bentalls department store and bitching about their pitiful Cath Kidston display. On Sunday evenings I would pop over to her house after church and we'd sit and watch Buffy whilst drinking pear cider and eating rainbowdrops. She was my fellow Gilmore Girls fan; we were desperate to move to Stars Hollow and find our Lukes and Logans. We spent most Thursdays in the church office drinking Costa, mentoring Liam and attempting to do some work. Our relationship was one never-ending conversation. I cried with her when she was heartbroken and she was the first one at my door (armed with chocolate!) when someone broke mine. She knew me so well, she protected me, encouraged me and whenever I felt weird or out of place she would always say 'But that's who you are and that's why I love you'. I could be completely myself around her, we had no secrets, no stone was left unturned.

We were going to be uni buddies together. Bristol was our destination, the elusive haven that made our the remainder of our days in Bracknell bearable. She was desperate for new experiences, the opportunity to meet new people. We were going to go church-hunting together, have sunday lunches, continue our Thursday time tradition and go shopping in Ikea for supplies. I know the route from my halls of residence to hers, she was going to come and enjoy my gorgeous window and I was going to use her ensuite. I was going to find her a rich, wealthy husband who would buy her all the Cath Kidston goodies she desired and she was going to sit and watch all my plays. Every so often we would look at each other and go 'AAAHHHH BRISTOL' (like AHHH BISTO) hahahaha. Ah mate. I can still hear her laugh. She was so full of joy. She was never half hearted in her relationships, she pursued friendships with an inspiring fervor always wanting to spend time with you, always prepared to come round and catchup.

I know that the next few months are going to be hard, I haven't even started the grieving process. I can feel the tears building up behind my eyes and I know that at some point today I am going to scream and cry out in grief. I MISS HER. I miss her so much! Yet I know she is with Jesus and when I say I know I mean I am absolutely convinced. I know I will see her again in eternity, but that just seems so far away. As I'm writing this I can totally hear her saying 'Man- up Jackson, you have your whole life ahead of you, stop whining and get on with it' Part of me wanted to burn my Cath Kidston book bag this morning, just the sight of it made me feel sick, but once again I could hear her voice so clearly in my head telling me that it would be a waste of a perfectly good bag and that I would be a huge disappointment to her if I was to dispose of it.

I am just so devastated. I keep expecting her to walk through the church office door, ordering me to grab my purse cos she wants to go to Tesco. Oh Annie, it's going to be so hard to go through this life without you, but I am so grateful that I got the chance to be one of your very best friends. It was an honour, a privilege and I promise to do your memory justice by devoting myself to the path God has promised me. I will love you forever.



BRATWURST, BEER, BIRKENSTOCKS : BAVARIA

I've just got back from the most perfect getaway adventure: a week in a small town just outside Munich with one of my best friends, Fiona Potter (or barefootfiona to the virtual world) We had an amazing time eating lots of great food, swimming in lakes, speaking 'tons of Deutsch, planning our lives, listening to inspiring music and soaking up the bavarian sun. I've returned to Bracknell, rather unwillingly, but generally happier and healthier in body and in mind. Here are a few extracts from my holiday journal with photos :-) Enjoy!
Day 1 - So today we learnt a lesson which I'll affectionately recall as 'Die Katastrophe du fromage'. We went a bit crazy in the Supermarkt and bought Bergkase - are really strong, mountain smelling cheese. Now it tasted INCREDIBLE, but we being silly naive teenage girls placed the leftovers in my bag, then decided to go swimming leaving the STRONG smelling mountain cheese to swelter and expand in my belovedblack leather shopper. Basically, all my possessions reek of Bergkase (disclaimer: my preciousNew Yorker bore the brunt of the cheese eruption but my camera and my i-pod were not entirely exempt from this cheese reeking epidemic either.) It's disgusting.
Just woke-up, it's about 3am. The scorching, stinging pain of my sunburn has forced me out of the attic bedroom and into a hammock - I'm in absolute agony! I can't shove the pain killers down my throat fast enough!

Day 2 - Today we visited the town of Grafing (aka Fiona's childhood). It was a bit like a Bavarian version of Lintorf (the town I lived in 2000-2002) so both of us were submerged in nostalgia. Potter got us hideously lost as we trecked around the town in the midday heat (this did wonders for my sunburn!) We eventually found the Freibad (outdoor swimming pool) and after failing to swim more than 10 lengths, decided to hanging off the metal bridge and siding down the children's slide.

The highlight of the day was definitely Kaffee und Kuchen with Muhme, Fiona's 90-year old grandmother. She's the most inspiring old lady I have ever met. She has that air, that presence of someone who has an impact on everybody she meets. I mean, a photographer once stopped her in the street and told her she had the most beautiful face and that she had to let him take some professional photos of her. How awesome is that!?


I also met Fiona's brother Niel who is basically a male version of me. Awesome. The amount of multilingual word vomit escaping our mouths about Italy, film and theatre was, in a word, revolting. He also showed incessant (bordering on annoying!) pity concerning my allergies. Every time my eyes watered or cake was put on the table he turned to me and said 'ELLIE your life must be SO HARD. NO WHEAT!? How will you EVER survive in Italy!?'


Day 3 - Too hot to be tourists in Munich. I hate being a tourist in Germany, it seems so unnatural. Anyway, we were chased screaming out of the Stadtmuseum by a creepy mechanical clown in the Oktoberfest exhibition (much to the amusement of the staff!) then stumbled into the Englishe Garten like overheated zombies and decided to do as the Germans do and go swimming in the river - we made sure our underwear stayed dry! I then whipped out my new H&M dress and attempted to speed-dry my leggings by spinning round and round like Pippi-Longstocking in the weird american remake. So fun.


Another mission was to find my Birkenstocks, a mission which, unfortunately, didn't result in any success despite searching frantically through about twenty shoe shops. Guess I'll have to settle for the bright-green ones that are waiting for me back home (gotta love mothers, right?!)


Day 4 - We went into the mountains, decided not to hike because it was 35 degrees, so sat in the shade trying to avoid the naked men running in to the water, ate ice-cream, sweltered and then jumped into a freezing cold lake. Awesome.


Day 5 - Back to Grafing to make the most of the previous day's Bayern-Train-Ticket. We used the freibad (I swam MORE than 10 lengths and jumped off the top diving board *proud face*) then Niel treated us to yogurt ice-cream (YUM!) and earned the name 'Mucke-Junge' (Mosquito Boy) because he was so good at scaring away all the nasty insects trying to eat us alive as we walked through the 'biggest forest in Europe' (according to Niel!) It was absolutely tiny. Doofus. We then met up with Muhme and had MORE ice-cream at the Gasthaus am Schloss (basically a pub by a castle). She showed us an Eidelweiss flower she had pressed and told us that they used to only grow in mountain caves and so were seen as a symbol of love because the lover would have to go so far to fetch it. Yes I did want to burst into song when she said the world 'Eidelweiss'. On return to Seefeld we grabbed bikes and cycled to the lake to watch the sunset on the pier. GORGEOUS.


Day 6 - Woke up ridiculously late. Caught up on some reading. Had Kaffee und Kuchen with our hostfamily and a discussion, in german, about the impact of linguistics on society and history (yeaaah mate!) Potter and I then caught a late train into Munich, had dinner at one of the oldest restaurants in the city, were served by an Italian who spoke german with a bavarian accent and then successfully pinched two coasters (aren't we outrageous!?) We then stumbled upon this gem of a cafe with little balcony seats for two over looking a gorgeous fountain. I ordered an Espresso, Fio-Fio ordered an non-alcoholic cocktail and we sat there watching the sunset and enjoyed our new found sophistication. The perfect end to the holiday.


Our Playlist:
Regina Spektor - On The Radio/Fidelity
Dixie Chicks - Cowboy take me away
Joni Mitchell -
Eros Ramazzotti - La Sombra Del Gigante
Simple Plan - Take My Hand
John Mayer - In Your Atmosphere
Taylor Swift - Our Song
Terra Naomi - Say it's possible

Souvenirs:
Authentic Brecht poster
2 Newspapers
Der Spiegel (left-wing magazine)
Spring Awakening - Frank Wiederkind (in German)
The Manifesto of the Communist Party - Karl Marx/Friedrich Engels (in German)
2 copies of german Glamour
Chocolate
Dress
A stolen coaster
A cloth bag with old german print