A New Season

I woke up this morning to a cool breeze blowing through my window, you know that late summer, early autumn chill that tells you to get ready for school, make a packed-lunch and prepare your head for a new academic term. Except my term doesn’t start for another month, I have no train to catch, no uniform to buy and no books to rummage under my bed for. Instead of filling me with dread and sadness because it’s the end of the summer holidays this breeze gave me real hope and the energy to get of bed. For the past few weeks I have woken up to that awful, heavy feeling that life is hard; there has been a deep sadness that has permeated my heart everyday at the sound of my alarm and has refused to shift.

I'm going through what I expect every prospective undergraduate is experiencing: the fear and excitement of the unknown v. the comfort and frustration of home. My life is currently one big juxtaposition. I recognise that I am not the only one person trying to decipher this confusion, but my foundations are fragile and consequently, what might have been a merely difficult, uncomfortable process is occasionally harrowing. I'm going through an identity crisis in the midst of massive change and unbelievable grief. My emotions are more of a tea-cup ride than a rollercoaster, they just go round and round, making knots of air till I feel queasy and end up vomiting ugly, exhausted bile everywhere.

But this morning I felt the atmosphere begin to shift, a lightness began to settle in my thoughts and emotions. I'm excited about the future! I cannot wait for this new season of my life. Plus, I love Autumn, it's my favourite season by far. It's so poignant because it's beauty is so fleeting and slightly foreboding because no one likes naked trees and longer nights and I love poignancy because it's so evenly balanced. Feeling happy and sad at the same time is such a profound experience. Did you know that I have been alive for 6864 days today? How precious and wonderful life is :-) I also got my accommodation through and I'm going to be raving it up in pretty Clifton. So if you're ever Bristol way be sure to stop by Manor Hall for acup of tea! Isn't a grand building? I love it already. Ahhh positivity is pumping through me - I cannot tell you how much I've missed feeling happy. YAY.

The beautiful Manor Hall :-)