Fearless Singleness

Last week as my Dad was driving me to babysitting the subject of 'boyfriends and suitable marriage partners' came into conversation. As a daughter I expected my Dad to say the predictable 'DAD' stuff, you know the 'don't worry about it sweetheart, you'll find someone eventually' kinda line. Instead I got this: ' I'm not going to tell you you'll find someone, because there's the possibility you won't' GREAT. AWESOME. Exactly what I needed to hear. NOT.

There's a man in my head, my perfect man . Actually, he's not perfect, in fact he has many obvious flaws. I can't tell you what his features are, but I have some idea of his character. Gah, this sounds so corny, but trust me in my head it's a lot less mushy. Whenever I feel frustrated or hurt by my singleness, I close my eyes and remind myself what I'm looking/waiting for. Now, I know a lot of christians warn against this sort of thinking, they would say it's emotionally dangerous to assume that God has marriage in your futures. Whilst I agree that not everyone is destined for marriage, I would argue that God tells us to dream big dreams, that he will grant us the desire of our hearts and one of mine is to have that companionship between husband and wife and start a family.

Yet I know that marriage is a long way off for me. God has put so much on my heart. I want to write, have a magazine column, I want to sing, make music, write songs, I want to act, write plays, I want to live abroad, travel, see the world, I want to preach and I want to help mentor younger girls. Some of these things, I believe, require me to be single. They demand my complete devotion to God and my career without any other emotional distractions. There is the possibility that a husband would release me into my potential but the feminist in me is irritated at the thought of finding my identity in a man (LOL!) I want to find my completeness in my faith and the life God has called me to lead.

All the same, I am a hopeless romantic and if God has weaved celibacy into my life-plan then that's something I am going to really struggle with. It won't, however, stop me believing in God's goodness, nor will it prevent me from living my life completely. As I'm writing this, the teenage girl in me is screaming 'Don't let me be lonely - I don't want to turn into an old maid!'. Like I said, I WANT to fall in love, I WANT to get married and I WANT to have children, but I'm only 18, it's not like I need to feel desperate yet (if at all!) Furthermore, I haven't found anyone remotely suitable. My previous relationships, while fun and lovely in their own way, plagued me with doubts from the moment they began and left me feeling hurt but incredibly relieved when they were over. I need to listen to my instincts more and remind myself that it's okay to be picky in relationships - as long as I'm not too unreasonable!

The danger with being single is that I can use it as a period of pick and mix dating. I'll go on a date with a guy, enjoy his company but know that it will never go any further than one or two dates. This isn't fair on the guy or fair on me. Thankfully, I'm kind of over that phase now. It's pretty disappointing and often wastes many a good cappuccino moment. Instead of being on the look out, instead of preparing myself, beautifying myself to impress men and catch a boyfriend, I'm going to do things that make ME happy. I will wear make-up because I enjoy applying it, I will dress nicely because I adore fashion & style, I will develop my character because it will benefit me and those around me and I will strengthen my faith because it's such an amazing privilege to know God personally not because I hope it will attract the right sort of boy.

I'm seeing this particular entry as a challenge, I want to read back over this and still feel as focused. I'm going to spend this time, this new found freedom to invest in my present and my future by building great friendships and improving myself with whatever opportunities are thrown my way.