Oh Keg! I'm a control freak.

I've come out of the control-freak closet. I admit that I have a problem and I'm willing, if not determined to face it head-on. Too long have I been deceiving myself and others into thinking that I am a laid-back, chilled sort of gal and I want to thank those supportive girls in the sixth-form common room who have helped me to recognise this fatal, dangerous, life-ruining flaw of mine.

It all started in September with this whole uni-decide-the-rest-of-your-life-right-now kinda business. I love this sort of thing, because I love planning the future - sometimes I spend too long planning the future! Anyways, the initial stages were fine, because I, Ellie Jackson was in control. I had the final say in where I applied to and for what course. Then, once it was sent off I suddenly realised that a) I was leaving my precious, oh-so-carefully-planned future in the hands of a computer (aka. UCAS) - This was not a comforting thought! and b) I really didn't want to take a gap-year, what the hell was I thinking applying deferred!? (Fiona's response: "Ellie, you were just so damn convincing! What was I supposed to do?) suddenly this beautiful plan of mine was left hanging like a pinata ready to be beaten into smithereens or to left hanging, a useless decoration, full of sweet potential. Then it wasn't just my future, suddenly I have no control over what I eat - it has to be gluten free. I am limited.

Soon, it got worse. As I felt the control of my destiny slip through my carefully clenched fist, I needed to rant, I needed to wallow in my own stupid self-pitying state of helplessness with my friends - close friends, you know the ones that just get you. But no, they were no where to be found because they've all GONE. Away, far, far away on their own mega-fantastic adventures. Or just generally away. Now I felt as if I had lost control of my friendships and I immediately started grieving for those friendships that had already drifted and those that were about to drift thanks to distance and other awkward, uncomfortable circumstances. Get a grip you're probably thinking right? Well, I'll get to that part eventually. I suddenly discovered the true meaning of seasonal friendships and I've had a lot of these. There are friendships, however great, however brilliant, that are just not meant to last beyond a certain point. Then there are those friendships, where distance doesn't seem to matter, we might not contact each other for years and then one summer we see each other again and it's like time stood still. Ultimately, I love both kinds because they bring different dynamics to my already insane, crazy existence. More importantly, I know they are God-given and that he alone has the final say in how these relationships end and develop.

This brings me to my next point. How did I "get over" myself? Quite simply I turned to God. It was a tough lesson, because a lot of the time I like to do things on my own, I like to think I'm giving God a break, you know so he can focus on the people who are really desperate. Thing is, I'm always really desperate. I've always known that God has this incredible future for me, but sometimes I just don't trust that he's got it right - it's so completely stupid, because I know that I will only feel truly happy if I'm doing what God wants. My security must cease to be rooted in my own ability and success. So what if my future is all up in the air? Surely that's the most exciting place to be? So what if friendships I've relied upon are changing, disappearing before my eyes. I have a relationship with the living God and he is constant. Instead of being afraid, instead of freaking out about not having control, instead of running away from things I'm too ashamed, too weak to face-up to, I look forward to the most incredible, exciting future. Maybe it won't end up like I've planned, maybe I'll end up working in Starbucks New York for year, maybe I'll got to Leeds, maybe I'll be the next Dorothy on the West-End either way, I intend to be awesome, I intend to trust God completely. I know I'll never be without those relationships that really matter and yeah, I'll be sad and devastated to lose the others but that's what Gilmore Girls is for - it provides shallow, sometimes deep, always witty happiness, served in cute, sugary small-town America. Be patient with me, letting go is hard and I've only just started getting used to it!

On the evening of my 13th birthday, my mother came into my room to have a "chat". She told me that the next few years were going to be really hard, that we would probably argue a lot, that I could expect gigantic mood swings, lots of stress and serious self-esteem issues. I was WELL looking forward to becoming a teenager...

Anyhoodle, here I am on the evening of my 18th birthday and I can't help thinking that in a lot of ways she was totally right. Being a teenager is hard work and most of the time it's because you're constantly seeking everyone's approval, including your own. Everyone wants a piece of you: school, the media, parents, friends, sports/music clubs etc. What really bugs me, is how people respond to teenagers. There seems to be two extremes: on the one hand, you have the people who think all teenagers are thugs, sluts and good for nothings - they're wrong; and on the other you have people (especially teachers and youth leaders) who are like "wooooh I love working with teenagers" like we're some sort of alternative species - they're just annoying. Teenagers just want you to respect them, for you to be their friend and not just because it's "alternative" or "the right thing to do for the future generation", but because you genuinely like spending time with them. I'm lucky enough to have adults in my life who treat me like one of their peers, something which I really, really appreciate.

I'd like to think that I'm coming out of the whole approval addiction phase, but I'm still trying to live up to the standards that I have set for myself...maybe I'll never get over that part. For all the bad aspects of being a teenager, I've had a pretty awesome ride. On the evening of every birthday I like to read over my old journals and just remember all the amazing experiences and adventures I've had. Tonight, as I read through them, I couldn't help but notice how God has always been in every single moment, how he has worked every bad situation for good and how he has put some incredible people in my life to help guide and support me. I feel so lucky, lucky, lucky! I'm not really that bothered about being 18, age is just a number and I just like birthdays because they make you feel all special and appreciated. So this blog...really doesn't have much of a point. Anyways, I'd like to leave you with a quote from a book I read this week, I think it's a pretty interesting thought on life and teenagers :-) Enjoy!

"When adults say, 'Teenagers think they are invincible', with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so cannot fail"

Looking for Alaska by John Green (Excellent book. EVERYONE READ IT!)